While it may be hard to believe, the current events of the world are
pretty important to the staff here at the P.Net offices. In fact,
they're almost as important to us as stuff that is happening right
now! Despite our sometimes senile ability to tell right from
wrong and our occasional beratement of anyone who we feel is below us,
we really do care about the world as a whole. Largely because
if the world wasn't here, we'd be off floating aimlessly in space and
having a hard time breathing. Breathing, much like the news,
is also important to us. Also, we're pretty sure that they don't
have the internet in space. Yet.
On that note, unless you've been unconcious for the past week because that guy that you met at that frat party totally screwed up the dosage of your "roofie colada" drink, you probably noticed that America recently held it's midterm elections for the Senate and House (House of Reps, not House of Blues -- trust us, worst concert ever). We also realize that we're a week tardy in reporting this "news" but everyone else was already doing it last week and we didn't want to seem like copycats. Our news reports always prefer to be "fashionably late." Admittedly, we here at the PNC don't know a whole lot about the democratic election process but we can only assume that it works very similarly to the NFL draft, where existing members of Congress get to trade for and acquire top picks while still working within the salary cap. If we're wrong, please don't tell us. We're not certain that our brains can handle yet another crushing blow, especially one coming so quickly after learning of K-fed and Brittany's recent divorce filing. What's America going to do now?
So, ok, you might be saying, you don't really have a clue as to what's going on and if that's the case, how did you guys manage to vote? Well, we didn't, but we really, really wanted to. It's just that injecting venlafaxine directly into our eye sockets and swallowing horse tranquillizers sort of took precedence. I mean, someone could have at least given us a heads up or something so that we could have marked it on our calendars. Still, if you're like us and you've resigned yourself to the sidelines of the marathon of reality, hope has not yet completely evaporated. We're here, albeit a week late, to provide you the post-what's what on how everything that went down last Wednesday. Think of us as the gatorade stand around mile 13, tossing you little energizing cups of refreshment as you pass us by. I hope everyone has their safe word ready because we're about to bring on the election results coverage, PNC style.
Our first stop is in Missouri, a state that even people who live there don't really care about. It was a close race between incumbent Jim Talent and Claire "I look like the mother from The Brady Bunch" McCaskill, with McCaskill eventually coming out ahead. Jim seemed to show anything but talent in the campaign as Claire appealed to rural voters with her "vote by vegetable" campaign. The race was among the most competitive in the nation but, ultimately, McCaskill slept with more people than Talent did and pulled to 3% victory.
Sticking with the M's, we next hit Maryland, a state famous for, well, I don't really know. I've never been there. The current Senator, Mr. Sarbanes-Oxley himself, opted to retire rather than run for office again. This left both parties scrambling to produce worthy candidates. Early on, Ben Cardin bested NAACP President Kweisi Mfume in the Democratic primary, largely because no one could figure out how to pronounce his name and thus he received very little television airtime. The Repubs nominated Michael "Man Of" Steele, after he won "over token opposition." Since Steele is black, I guess that means that he beat a Mexican or something. Do they even have Mexicans in Maryland? Anyway, Steele's blackness wasn't enough to sway the large percentage of African-American voters and "Marshmallow" Ben Cardin coasted to an easy 54%-44% win.
You know, we're just going to keep up with the theme here and pick yet another M state. Christ, how many of them are there? Anyhoo, another "M" and another retiring Senator, this time Mark "I Should Be Living In Ohio" Dayton. Dayton opted not to run again, largely because he was "tired of being mistaken for a skeleton." Amy Klobuchar was the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party nominee, a party which I am pretty sure she just made up to be different. Her opponent was Republican Mark Kennedy who, despite support from both Bush and Cheney, became the only Kennedy to ever run on the platform of "I want to be a Toys'R'Us kid" and lose. Nice work, Mark. At least you didn't get assassinated!
Rounding out our coverage of the M states that no one really cares about (excluding Maine), we bring you Montana, which recently boasted a population of over 30 people. Seems like that marketing campaign is really working, guys! Conrad Burns, selected by Time magazine as one of "America's Five Worst Senators," faced off against an organic farmer by the name of Jon Tester. Conrad Burns has been labeled a "lame duck" by the press, a term which, as a duck, I find offensive because I know a number of lame ducks who could hold office better than Burns. During the campaign, Tester put all his farmer knowledge to work for him, which largely consisted of him sitting on the sidelines and watching Burns screw up his own campaign. You know, the whole Abramoff scandal, calling all taxicab drivers terrorists, and falling asleep in Congress. Still despite all this, Tester barely managed victory by some 4,000 votes, proving that people from Montana still consider being retarded a virtue.
And that's where we have to leave off for today, kids. While we greatly wanted to cover a number of other states and congressional races, there are just too damn many "M" states and we ran out of time. We might be back with more but I highly doubt it. We've digested just about all of the week-old news that we can handle for right now. We sort of apologize for this interruption and plan on returning you back to your regularly scheduled program right after we get over this case of lip cancer.
On that note, unless you've been unconcious for the past week because that guy that you met at that frat party totally screwed up the dosage of your "roofie colada" drink, you probably noticed that America recently held it's midterm elections for the Senate and House (House of Reps, not House of Blues -- trust us, worst concert ever). We also realize that we're a week tardy in reporting this "news" but everyone else was already doing it last week and we didn't want to seem like copycats. Our news reports always prefer to be "fashionably late." Admittedly, we here at the PNC don't know a whole lot about the democratic election process but we can only assume that it works very similarly to the NFL draft, where existing members of Congress get to trade for and acquire top picks while still working within the salary cap. If we're wrong, please don't tell us. We're not certain that our brains can handle yet another crushing blow, especially one coming so quickly after learning of K-fed and Brittany's recent divorce filing. What's America going to do now?
So, ok, you might be saying, you don't really have a clue as to what's going on and if that's the case, how did you guys manage to vote? Well, we didn't, but we really, really wanted to. It's just that injecting venlafaxine directly into our eye sockets and swallowing horse tranquillizers sort of took precedence. I mean, someone could have at least given us a heads up or something so that we could have marked it on our calendars. Still, if you're like us and you've resigned yourself to the sidelines of the marathon of reality, hope has not yet completely evaporated. We're here, albeit a week late, to provide you the post-what's what on how everything that went down last Wednesday. Think of us as the gatorade stand around mile 13, tossing you little energizing cups of refreshment as you pass us by. I hope everyone has their safe word ready because we're about to bring on the election results coverage, PNC style.
Our first stop is in Missouri, a state that even people who live there don't really care about. It was a close race between incumbent Jim Talent and Claire "I look like the mother from The Brady Bunch" McCaskill, with McCaskill eventually coming out ahead. Jim seemed to show anything but talent in the campaign as Claire appealed to rural voters with her "vote by vegetable" campaign. The race was among the most competitive in the nation but, ultimately, McCaskill slept with more people than Talent did and pulled to 3% victory.
Sticking with the M's, we next hit Maryland, a state famous for, well, I don't really know. I've never been there. The current Senator, Mr. Sarbanes-Oxley himself, opted to retire rather than run for office again. This left both parties scrambling to produce worthy candidates. Early on, Ben Cardin bested NAACP President Kweisi Mfume in the Democratic primary, largely because no one could figure out how to pronounce his name and thus he received very little television airtime. The Repubs nominated Michael "Man Of" Steele, after he won "over token opposition." Since Steele is black, I guess that means that he beat a Mexican or something. Do they even have Mexicans in Maryland? Anyway, Steele's blackness wasn't enough to sway the large percentage of African-American voters and "Marshmallow" Ben Cardin coasted to an easy 54%-44% win.
You know, we're just going to keep up with the theme here and pick yet another M state. Christ, how many of them are there? Anyhoo, another "M" and another retiring Senator, this time Mark "I Should Be Living In Ohio" Dayton. Dayton opted not to run again, largely because he was "tired of being mistaken for a skeleton." Amy Klobuchar was the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party nominee, a party which I am pretty sure she just made up to be different. Her opponent was Republican Mark Kennedy who, despite support from both Bush and Cheney, became the only Kennedy to ever run on the platform of "I want to be a Toys'R'Us kid" and lose. Nice work, Mark. At least you didn't get assassinated!
Rounding out our coverage of the M states that no one really cares about (excluding Maine), we bring you Montana, which recently boasted a population of over 30 people. Seems like that marketing campaign is really working, guys! Conrad Burns, selected by Time magazine as one of "America's Five Worst Senators," faced off against an organic farmer by the name of Jon Tester. Conrad Burns has been labeled a "lame duck" by the press, a term which, as a duck, I find offensive because I know a number of lame ducks who could hold office better than Burns. During the campaign, Tester put all his farmer knowledge to work for him, which largely consisted of him sitting on the sidelines and watching Burns screw up his own campaign. You know, the whole Abramoff scandal, calling all taxicab drivers terrorists, and falling asleep in Congress. Still despite all this, Tester barely managed victory by some 4,000 votes, proving that people from Montana still consider being retarded a virtue.
And that's where we have to leave off for today, kids. While we greatly wanted to cover a number of other states and congressional races, there are just too damn many "M" states and we ran out of time. We might be back with more but I highly doubt it. We've digested just about all of the week-old news that we can handle for right now. We sort of apologize for this interruption and plan on returning you back to your regularly scheduled program right after we get over this case of lip cancer.
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