Congratulations on choosing the hobo as your next family pet and choosing P.Net Corporation (PNC) to provide it to you! With your newfound hobo collectible, you will be the envy of your neighborhood. Why settle for something like a dog or cat -- everyone else has one of those -- when you can take the next step forward in pet technology, proven to be fun and provide excitement for the whole family? Really, it's a no brainer! We here at the PNC are committed to providing you the best quality hobos at the lowest possible prices without compromising what little integrity we have left. Not just for Christmas and special occasions anymore, a PNC pet is the perfect gift anytime of year!
Let's face it: the pet rock was a fad, goldfish are boring, and horses only work if you live in Montana and/or are Amish. What's that you say? You have children and you're not sure if hobo will work for your household? First, stop worrying. We here at the PNC have a proven track record of selling items which are in no way at all dangerous or cancer causing. Second, children are stupid. Why waste 18 years watching them grow up to be nothing when you can have hobo do it right before your very eyes in a mere fraction of the time? Taller than a midget and smarter than a mentally handicapped person, what's not to love about a PNC brand hobo?
But look at us, trying to convince you! You already purchased one! Before we delve into proper use and care of your new hobo, let us go over what is provided in your Hobo Care Kit (HCK) to ensure that you have everything you need to give your hobo a long, healthy life. Upon opening your hobo cage, you should be presented with the following items:
Once you have hobo calmed down and/or in a coma induced by the boxed wine, it's time to make hobo presentable. We know that you're eager to show off hobo to all your friends and neighbors but if you take just a little extra time and effort, hobo will be able to wow and dazzle like nothing you've ever seen before. Most models of hobo ship in the nude, so clothing hobo should be your number one priority. Playing "dress the hobo in dirty rags" is a non-stop roller coaster of fun that even grandma will enjoy! However, it is advised that you don't let grandma spend too much alone time with hobo until he is fully clothed as bad things have been known to happen. If you are not satisfied with the clothing selections that have been provided with your HCK, you can either supply your own dirty rag fashions or check out the PNC Hobo Fall Styles catalog which offers more than 600 wardrobe options to drape your new hobo in.
The second step in making hobo presentable has us reaching back into the HCK. Let's face it, a hobo isn't much of a hobo without his trademark hobo beard and the PNC brand crumb catcher seeds help bring this to life! Most beards take a long time to grow and hobo's beard is no exception. (Rumor has it that it took Grizzly Adams over 97 years to grow his stylish beard.) However, with the assistance of HCK and it's special seeds, you'll have a beard growing in no time. Based on Chia pet technology that we stole from a compromised computer, simply coat the chin and neck area of hobo with the crumb catcher seeds and add water. Wait 30 minutes and you'll have instant razor sharp stubble. Keep applying water at regular intervals and after roughly 24 hours, your hobo will have a full fledged hobo beard of death (which also happens to be razor sharp). You can now train and use hobo as a means of home protection to strike down unsuspecting intruders and to remove unwanted guests when they become unruly. (Oh grandma, when will you learn!) Of course, hobo's beard also doubles as extra closet or cupboard space if you're running low.
It appears that your hobo is now ready for use! However, before we unleash you and your hobo into the world, we'd like to take some time out and pepper you with a few warnings and caveats to owning and operating hobo. First, regardless of how deep your bond with hobo becomes, it is advisable that you never, ever anthropomorphize hobo. While hobo may be a large part of your family in your mind, hobo is not human and should not be treated as such. This tends to lead to hobo having free thought and illusions of grandeur. Really, that's the last thing we need is yet another hobo who thinks he is empowered. Secondly, be sure to clean out hobo's boxcar at least once a week, but don't do it too often. While hobo will tend to relieve himself wherever it's convenient, hobo also needs to be able to sleep in his own excrement to be happy. This is all hobo knows and taking that away from him may damage his delicate psyche. Lastly, under no circumstances should you ever feed hobo after midnight, no matter how bad he is whining or complaining. While hobo is not a gremlin and won't turn super evil, hobo will develop a thyroid condition and it isn't pretty.
That's just about all that we have to cover on owning and operating your new hobo. Due to the volatile nature of the product, PNC regrets that it cannot offer any type of replacement or refund program for purchased hobos. We here at the PNC sincerely hope that you enjoy your new purchase because, like we just said, you're stuck with him. Also, killing hobos is illegal and isn't recommended as a means of disposal. Be sure to check out our additional pet franchises such as baby Godzilla, poisonous whales, and giant sea slugs! And, really, we're serious, no refunds. Stop asking!
Let's face it: the pet rock was a fad, goldfish are boring, and horses only work if you live in Montana and/or are Amish. What's that you say? You have children and you're not sure if hobo will work for your household? First, stop worrying. We here at the PNC have a proven track record of selling items which are in no way at all dangerous or cancer causing. Second, children are stupid. Why waste 18 years watching them grow up to be nothing when you can have hobo do it right before your very eyes in a mere fraction of the time? Taller than a midget and smarter than a mentally handicapped person, what's not to love about a PNC brand hobo?
But look at us, trying to convince you! You already purchased one! Before we delve into proper use and care of your new hobo, let us go over what is provided in your Hobo Care Kit (HCK) to ensure that you have everything you need to give your hobo a long, healthy life. Upon opening your hobo cage, you should be presented with the following items:
- 1 hoboNow, assuming that all of the contents of your package are in order, you are ready to start setting up hobo for use! If when you first pull hobo out of the box he appears docile and immobile, don't panic! That's what hobo is supposed to do! However, if you pull hobo out of the box and he begins throwing a tantrum and ranting about some "kidnapping", he's probably delirious. Feeding hobo some boxed wine should calm his nerves a bit. However, before approaching hobo, be sure that you spray a little Scent of the Street on you so that hobo feels comfortable in your presence. Certain models of hobo have been known to violently lash out at his owners while learning his way around his new home.
- 1 minature boxcar (to help make hobo feel at home)
- 1 case of boxed wine (for nourishment)
- 1 bottle of Smell of the Streets (TM) spray
- 1 bag of PNC crumb catcher seeds (more on this later)
- 1 jar of fleas (to spread to friends and family)
- an assortment of dirty rags we used for dusting
Once you have hobo calmed down and/or in a coma induced by the boxed wine, it's time to make hobo presentable. We know that you're eager to show off hobo to all your friends and neighbors but if you take just a little extra time and effort, hobo will be able to wow and dazzle like nothing you've ever seen before. Most models of hobo ship in the nude, so clothing hobo should be your number one priority. Playing "dress the hobo in dirty rags" is a non-stop roller coaster of fun that even grandma will enjoy! However, it is advised that you don't let grandma spend too much alone time with hobo until he is fully clothed as bad things have been known to happen. If you are not satisfied with the clothing selections that have been provided with your HCK, you can either supply your own dirty rag fashions or check out the PNC Hobo Fall Styles catalog which offers more than 600 wardrobe options to drape your new hobo in.
The second step in making hobo presentable has us reaching back into the HCK. Let's face it, a hobo isn't much of a hobo without his trademark hobo beard and the PNC brand crumb catcher seeds help bring this to life! Most beards take a long time to grow and hobo's beard is no exception. (Rumor has it that it took Grizzly Adams over 97 years to grow his stylish beard.) However, with the assistance of HCK and it's special seeds, you'll have a beard growing in no time. Based on Chia pet technology that we stole from a compromised computer, simply coat the chin and neck area of hobo with the crumb catcher seeds and add water. Wait 30 minutes and you'll have instant razor sharp stubble. Keep applying water at regular intervals and after roughly 24 hours, your hobo will have a full fledged hobo beard of death (which also happens to be razor sharp). You can now train and use hobo as a means of home protection to strike down unsuspecting intruders and to remove unwanted guests when they become unruly. (Oh grandma, when will you learn!) Of course, hobo's beard also doubles as extra closet or cupboard space if you're running low.
It appears that your hobo is now ready for use! However, before we unleash you and your hobo into the world, we'd like to take some time out and pepper you with a few warnings and caveats to owning and operating hobo. First, regardless of how deep your bond with hobo becomes, it is advisable that you never, ever anthropomorphize hobo. While hobo may be a large part of your family in your mind, hobo is not human and should not be treated as such. This tends to lead to hobo having free thought and illusions of grandeur. Really, that's the last thing we need is yet another hobo who thinks he is empowered. Secondly, be sure to clean out hobo's boxcar at least once a week, but don't do it too often. While hobo will tend to relieve himself wherever it's convenient, hobo also needs to be able to sleep in his own excrement to be happy. This is all hobo knows and taking that away from him may damage his delicate psyche. Lastly, under no circumstances should you ever feed hobo after midnight, no matter how bad he is whining or complaining. While hobo is not a gremlin and won't turn super evil, hobo will develop a thyroid condition and it isn't pretty.
That's just about all that we have to cover on owning and operating your new hobo. Due to the volatile nature of the product, PNC regrets that it cannot offer any type of replacement or refund program for purchased hobos. We here at the PNC sincerely hope that you enjoy your new purchase because, like we just said, you're stuck with him. Also, killing hobos is illegal and isn't recommended as a means of disposal. Be sure to check out our additional pet franchises such as baby Godzilla, poisonous whales, and giant sea slugs! And, really, we're serious, no refunds. Stop asking!