You know, I was famous once.  Hell, you probably even saw me once or twice on either the television or film.  I did them both.  I was on anybody and everybody's "A" list, provided that they were important enough to have an "A" list in the first place.  You have to be careful; there are a lot of wanna-bes out there.  Especially in Hollywood.  Everyone is either an up and coming producer, director, or leading man.  Heck, even some of the ladies out here are leading men, but that's just Hollywood for ya.  Not me, though.  I was the real deal; a bona fide star.  Well, at least until it all came crashing down like when two drunk people try to play a game of Jenga.

It was 1985 and I was living as high on the hog as anyone could be.  I was fresh from my starring role as the guy who backed up the guy who backed up William Shatner in that one episode of "T.J. Hooker" where they raid some guy's house looking for drugs.  Sometimes, during different takes of that scene, the guy in front of me would move ever so slightly and I would get a glimpse of Shatner's neckline.  We never talked, he and I.  You know, stars on the set kind of have an unspoken understanding that we're all "in the zone" when it comes to this acting thing and it's just polite to not bother.  He had probably caught my previous work where I was the guy walking his dog in the background of that one gum commercial and he respected my talents.  I respected his silence because that meant he knew I was working.  Between you and me though, Shatner was just a hack.  That Heather Locklear was the real hooker on that show.  Whoo hoo boy, let me tell you, but that's a tale for a different update.

I get a call from my agent and he tells me that CBS is looking to cast someone for an upcoming "Magnum P.I." episode.  They need someone to sit behind Police Lieutenant Yoshi and type while taking an occasional drink of coffee he says.  I grudgingly tell him that I'd do it even though Tom Selleck wasn't worth me wasting my time over.  Have you seen my resume, I asked?  My agent just laughed at me.  Agents aren't supposed to laugh.  I should have known something was wrong.  I should have asked to read the script before I agreed.

I pull up to the set in my brown pinto with the badly tinted windows.  A lot of stars like to be flashy and show off their wealth and fame; driving around in limousines and showering themselves with praise to boost their own egos.  Not me, though.  I hated people like that.  They gave people like me -- real actors -- a bad name.  As was now standard protocol, I got hassled by the on-site security staff; the guy just probably wanted an autograph.  I get that a lot.  After a couple of minutes, I spy Tom Selleck at the caterers table, stuffing his fat face with free food.  That guy makes me sick, walking around with crumbs and cheese bits stuck to his mustache, hitting on anything that moves.  Well, I wasn't gay or anything but I will concede that he did have a nice ass.

Of course, shortly after my arrival, Tom spies me and begins gesturing wildly for me to come over and talk to him.  Either that or he could have been shooing away a bee or something.  Whatever.  The point is that I had no time for Tom Selleck.  I am a method actor and I needed to get into character in order to prepare for my scene.  Besides, Tom Selleck can go jump off a cliff for all I care and I would have told him that too if it wasn't for that "actors don't speak" rule.  I wasn't just making that up, you know.  I spot the director lounging in the shade and I approach him to ask if there is some place where I can go to rehearse my scene.  He asks who I was.  Haha, sure, I'll play your little game you egotistical bastard.  I'm the background guy I say.  I need a typewriter and a cup that I can occasionally drink coffee from.  He begins roaring with laughter and pushes me aside.  If it weren't for my nimble, cat-like reflexes, I could have fallen and perhaps sustained serious injury.  Fine, I say.  You don't want me to be prepared.  There is a reason why your show is only #3 in the ratings.  To this, I was met with a punch in the gut and thrown out into the parking lot.  It's a good thing that real actors know how to maintain their composure.

How the hell did you get kicked off of Magnum P.I.? my agent screams.  Trying to clarify, I mentioned that I wasn't so much as kicked off as I was thrown off.  I was thinking about filing a lawsuit.  I could have broken something.  Besides, I am an accomplished actor.  I don't need to dance on the whim of some small-time, egotistical TV series director.  Unfortunately for me, that small-time director turned out to be a young Peter Jackson and that I had accidentally pissed on his shoes when he punched me.  Blacklisted, just like that.  All because I wanted to rehearse my scene; to do it right the first time unlike these fluff types who strut around these days.  It was 1985 and that was all she wrote.  All those appearances and roles, gone.  The tremendous amount of effort and dedication that I put into every single role is but a distant memory to anyone but me.  1985.  Hey, that's also the year that Back To The Future came out.  So?  So is that I never did see Wendie Jo Sperber's career going anywhere and I was right.  I was right because I know talent; because I used to be famous once.