I know that you may find this hard to believe but, from time to time, we here at the P.Net Corporation like to put all the shenanigans aside and take some time out to be a little serious with our readers. Far too often we're out gallivanting about, riding midgets as if they were ponies and performing product tampering on specially marked boxes of cereal. But not today. As the holidays and the end of 2005 draw near, we felt that it was time to put the humor aside and put our collective noses to the grind to educate and inform rather than humiliate and waste time. Plus, it's Friday, and I am sure that in some parts of the world, Friday is considered a holy day and certainly no time for joking or passing around each other's wives at the office Christmas party. Of course, smarter, more developed parts of the world point and laugh at those who believe such things because, frankly, we're a lot smarter than they are.
All jokes aside, the topic for today is an extremely serious one, a plague rampaging out of control in nearly every country in America and some minor portions of Canada. I am, of course, talking about the war on drugs and educating the masses about the dangers of using and abusing drugs. Now, I know what you're thinking, "but Randy, you make references to frequent drug use all the time." Ok, you've got me there. Sure, I've made a few drug references like "I just got done doing blow off a dead hooker" or "I just injected medical grade heroin into my eyeball" but that's just me being facetious; playing to the audience like some kind of crazed television minister. I mean, seriously, I have never touched drugs in my life. I wouldn't even know where to obtain medical grade heroin. I mean, there is absolutely no way that I could possibly know that Harold Renoylds down on 25th sells the stuff out of the back of his red Toyota pick-up between 2:00pm and 3:00pm on Tuesday. Nope, no way that I could possibly know that. I'm a straight-laced guy, an upstanding member of any community I choose to live in. You know what? What you're doing right there is called reaching. And it's rude.
Your distracting tactics aside, I am here to talk to you about the dangers of drugs. Unfortunately, during the course of my quest for education, I came upon the realization that I know absolutely nothing about educating or drugs for that matter. So, I did what any savvy internet capable person does and I went and did a google search. Now, a little aside here. You notice that whenever you type something into a search engine, it returns hits? Hits? What kind of crap is that? Is that like, you get three hits and then you have to pass the keyboard to the person next to you? This, ladies and gentlemen, is but one small example of how drugs and drug culture have infiltrated our quiet little society. Ok, with that behind me, let's get back to the google search. Unfortunately, I don't know much about looking for drug information online, so I just looked up information on clowns instead and replaced a few words with the words "drug addict." Here is what I came up with:
A drug addict today is one of various types of comedic performers, on stage, television, in the circus and rodeo. Though not every drug addict is readily identifiable by appearance alone, drug addicts frequently appear in makeup, and costume as well as typically large footwear, oversized or otherwise outlandish clothing, bright colors and patterns or patchwork, a funny or unusual hat or wig or wildly unusual hairstyle and/or color, often with bulbous or otherwise unusual nose, and enacting humorous sketches, usually in the interludes between major presentations. The drug addict's humor today is often visual and includes many elements of physical comedy or slapstick humor but not exclusively.
Ok, so at first glance, these "drug addicts" don't seem so harmful. In fact, you might be thinking to yourself, I wouldn't mind acquiring a few drug addicts for my own personal use, perhaps for an event like my child's birthday or some other kind of special occasion which may mean a lot to you. You know what I say? Not so fast! That's what the druggies want you to believe; that they are harmless and benevolent. It's a trick that they learn from the first time they take a hit from the pipe or pop a pill. Besides, drugs are illegal and those that peddle in illegal things are, I guess by nature, illegal themselves. You don't want to end up in jail, do you? What would become of your son, little Timmy if you got locked up? Yeah, he'd be whoring himself out on the street in no time. Hey, it's a harsh world; I'm just hitting you in the face with pure facts. Hurts, doesn't it? If there is one thing that drug addicts and asian people have in common is that neither should ever be allowed to operate a motor vehicle.
Still, I can see that you're not convinced. So, in my never-ending quest to serve you, I continued my research. My next "hit" from google was, at first glance, a wonderful site called www.clownkevin.com. Now, if you've been following along up to this point, you know that clownkevin.com is really just another name for www.drugaddictkevin.com. I know; I am as appalled as you are. The druggies just get more and more brazen. Taking a look at "clown" Kevin's site, we really start to get down to the nitty gritty and the seedy underbelly of the drug world comes to light. The site opens up with (and I have replaced words as appropriate) "Welcome to the Wild World of Drug Addict Kevin." Yeah, I bet it's a little wild when you're all hopped up on purple pills! The site goes on to further advertise:
This Drug Addict site is packed with:
* Drug fun and games for kids and adults
* Drug information and useful tips for grown ups
* Drug resources for promoters
* Special hints and know how for new Drug Addicts...
I mean, seriously, kids? Now you've pushed things just a little too far drug addict Kevin. It's one thing to peddle to your own kind -- he is British after all -- but when you start pushing it on our kids, then you become my enemy. We don't need the youth of our nation all smoked out on the mary jane or injecting themselves with rusty syringes. Hell no! We need those kids out there in the sweatshops and the coal mines, to run plain wrapped packages for us adults back and forth across the border. Who's going to step up the challenge if all the kids are laying around some crack house somewhere? Certainly not I, let me tell you. I've got a whole lot of other things to do and doing manual labor isn't one of them.
So, you still think it's cool to do drugs? Why stop there? Why not go kill someone? Oh wait, you are: yourself! But I can see that just my words alone is failing to convince you, so I have brought along a little extra firepower this time around. Allow me to present as evidence Mr. Vanilla Ice, the greatest rapper of all time. It is through Mr. Ice's teachings that I originally became enlightened to the various abuses of drugs and the harm that they cause. In his smash hit "Ice Ice Baby" Vanilla preaches about the dangers of drug use: "deadly, when I play a dope melody and anything less than the best is a felony." What he is saying in that passage is that dope is both deadly and a felony. And if those radio commericals about Mexico have taught me anything, felonies mean jail time. Vanilla Ice was a bright torch in the war on drugs in the early 90's, standing out amongst the waves of other rappers who were "getting high" or "shooting each other." I'm not sure that that last reference is to drugs but I did hear it in a rap song once so I figure it is. Vanilla went on to star in "Cool As Ice" which, even though I never saw it, is most likely all about how it's cool not to do drugs.
There you have it. Drugs are bad; drug use is bad. But don't confuse those two with Michael Jackson's album "Bad" because they have absolutely nothing in common with one another. Trust me, you don't want to find yourself having to moonwalk in prision because in there, it doesn't mean what you think it means. What have we learned today? Definitely, no matter what you do, don't trust clowns and certainly don't ever think about buying drugs from them. If you have to buy drugs for whatever reason, go the poor section of town. Sure, you might get robbed, stabbed, or shot, but isn't it better than supporting some crazed clown cartel who is after our children!? I think so but, then again, what do I know?
All jokes aside, the topic for today is an extremely serious one, a plague rampaging out of control in nearly every country in America and some minor portions of Canada. I am, of course, talking about the war on drugs and educating the masses about the dangers of using and abusing drugs. Now, I know what you're thinking, "but Randy, you make references to frequent drug use all the time." Ok, you've got me there. Sure, I've made a few drug references like "I just got done doing blow off a dead hooker" or "I just injected medical grade heroin into my eyeball" but that's just me being facetious; playing to the audience like some kind of crazed television minister. I mean, seriously, I have never touched drugs in my life. I wouldn't even know where to obtain medical grade heroin. I mean, there is absolutely no way that I could possibly know that Harold Renoylds down on 25th sells the stuff out of the back of his red Toyota pick-up between 2:00pm and 3:00pm on Tuesday. Nope, no way that I could possibly know that. I'm a straight-laced guy, an upstanding member of any community I choose to live in. You know what? What you're doing right there is called reaching. And it's rude.
Your distracting tactics aside, I am here to talk to you about the dangers of drugs. Unfortunately, during the course of my quest for education, I came upon the realization that I know absolutely nothing about educating or drugs for that matter. So, I did what any savvy internet capable person does and I went and did a google search. Now, a little aside here. You notice that whenever you type something into a search engine, it returns hits? Hits? What kind of crap is that? Is that like, you get three hits and then you have to pass the keyboard to the person next to you? This, ladies and gentlemen, is but one small example of how drugs and drug culture have infiltrated our quiet little society. Ok, with that behind me, let's get back to the google search. Unfortunately, I don't know much about looking for drug information online, so I just looked up information on clowns instead and replaced a few words with the words "drug addict." Here is what I came up with:
A drug addict today is one of various types of comedic performers, on stage, television, in the circus and rodeo. Though not every drug addict is readily identifiable by appearance alone, drug addicts frequently appear in makeup, and costume as well as typically large footwear, oversized or otherwise outlandish clothing, bright colors and patterns or patchwork, a funny or unusual hat or wig or wildly unusual hairstyle and/or color, often with bulbous or otherwise unusual nose, and enacting humorous sketches, usually in the interludes between major presentations. The drug addict's humor today is often visual and includes many elements of physical comedy or slapstick humor but not exclusively.
Ok, so at first glance, these "drug addicts" don't seem so harmful. In fact, you might be thinking to yourself, I wouldn't mind acquiring a few drug addicts for my own personal use, perhaps for an event like my child's birthday or some other kind of special occasion which may mean a lot to you. You know what I say? Not so fast! That's what the druggies want you to believe; that they are harmless and benevolent. It's a trick that they learn from the first time they take a hit from the pipe or pop a pill. Besides, drugs are illegal and those that peddle in illegal things are, I guess by nature, illegal themselves. You don't want to end up in jail, do you? What would become of your son, little Timmy if you got locked up? Yeah, he'd be whoring himself out on the street in no time. Hey, it's a harsh world; I'm just hitting you in the face with pure facts. Hurts, doesn't it? If there is one thing that drug addicts and asian people have in common is that neither should ever be allowed to operate a motor vehicle.
Still, I can see that you're not convinced. So, in my never-ending quest to serve you, I continued my research. My next "hit" from google was, at first glance, a wonderful site called www.clownkevin.com. Now, if you've been following along up to this point, you know that clownkevin.com is really just another name for www.drugaddictkevin.com. I know; I am as appalled as you are. The druggies just get more and more brazen. Taking a look at "clown" Kevin's site, we really start to get down to the nitty gritty and the seedy underbelly of the drug world comes to light. The site opens up with (and I have replaced words as appropriate) "Welcome to the Wild World of Drug Addict Kevin." Yeah, I bet it's a little wild when you're all hopped up on purple pills! The site goes on to further advertise:
This Drug Addict site is packed with:
* Drug fun and games for kids and adults
* Drug information and useful tips for grown ups
* Drug resources for promoters
* Special hints and know how for new Drug Addicts...
I mean, seriously, kids? Now you've pushed things just a little too far drug addict Kevin. It's one thing to peddle to your own kind -- he is British after all -- but when you start pushing it on our kids, then you become my enemy. We don't need the youth of our nation all smoked out on the mary jane or injecting themselves with rusty syringes. Hell no! We need those kids out there in the sweatshops and the coal mines, to run plain wrapped packages for us adults back and forth across the border. Who's going to step up the challenge if all the kids are laying around some crack house somewhere? Certainly not I, let me tell you. I've got a whole lot of other things to do and doing manual labor isn't one of them.
So, you still think it's cool to do drugs? Why stop there? Why not go kill someone? Oh wait, you are: yourself! But I can see that just my words alone is failing to convince you, so I have brought along a little extra firepower this time around. Allow me to present as evidence Mr. Vanilla Ice, the greatest rapper of all time. It is through Mr. Ice's teachings that I originally became enlightened to the various abuses of drugs and the harm that they cause. In his smash hit "Ice Ice Baby" Vanilla preaches about the dangers of drug use: "deadly, when I play a dope melody and anything less than the best is a felony." What he is saying in that passage is that dope is both deadly and a felony. And if those radio commericals about Mexico have taught me anything, felonies mean jail time. Vanilla Ice was a bright torch in the war on drugs in the early 90's, standing out amongst the waves of other rappers who were "getting high" or "shooting each other." I'm not sure that that last reference is to drugs but I did hear it in a rap song once so I figure it is. Vanilla went on to star in "Cool As Ice" which, even though I never saw it, is most likely all about how it's cool not to do drugs.
There you have it. Drugs are bad; drug use is bad. But don't confuse those two with Michael Jackson's album "Bad" because they have absolutely nothing in common with one another. Trust me, you don't want to find yourself having to moonwalk in prision because in there, it doesn't mean what you think it means. What have we learned today? Definitely, no matter what you do, don't trust clowns and certainly don't ever think about buying drugs from them. If you have to buy drugs for whatever reason, go the poor section of town. Sure, you might get robbed, stabbed, or shot, but isn't it better than supporting some crazed clown cartel who is after our children!? I think so but, then again, what do I know?
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