I don't know about you but as I get older, mornings just seem to get worse and worse.  I used to think that it was because I eat wood chips before going to sleep or the fact that I frequently wet the bed, but even after switching to a no-bark diet and wearing diapers to bed, it persisted.  It, the one constant in my morning, translated roughly in an ancient African dialect means pain.  Pain.  Not the kind of pain a three day vodka binge brings nor the kind of pain that a few aspirin and some crystal meth will cure.  The raw, unadulterated pain of knowing that there are people in this world who are not quite as fortunate as I am.

Now, on most normal occasions, the suffering of other people bothers me none.  In fact, I think I find some kind of subtle joy in the misery of people I don't know or like, kind of like receiving that really great Christmas gift that you always wanted, and I am not sure why this is different.  Maybe it's because deep down, I want to care.  In fact, I dressed up as a humanitarian for Halloween this year and it was a big hit at all the parties.  Or perhaps it's just a part of growing up, realizing the need to check your unbridled hatred for the mass of humanity and, like butter, churn it into something delicious and fattening that everyone can enjoy.

Having said all that, it's time to open up the vast vault of knowledge called my brain and assist those who are less fortunate with another installment of the P.Net Guides.  In the past we have tackled such gripping topics as summer barbecues and the use and impact of technology on our daily lives.  These world renown guides have sold more than 8 trillion copies and that is just in the state of Idaho alone!  What's next on the agenda?  Why, a way to make you money, of course!  We here in the PNC Guide Writing Department present you with a foolproof way to increase your revenue stream with a minimal amount of work.  Don't be fooled: this is no get rich quick scheme or late night infomercial.  We are Pollestad.net and you know you can trust what we say.  So strap yourselves in and bring a friend because we're proud to present:

The Official P.Net Guidebook To Mastering Kidnapping & Ransom

Imagine for a second, if you will, this scenario: you're young, dashingly handsome or pretty, rich, and living out your wildest dreams as you cruise the world aboard your custom yacht.  Now, imagine that scenario on fire and crashing down to Earth like a hijacked 747.  That is not you.  You?  You're poor; you eat dirt for breakfast and lick urine spatter off the floor of the bathroom for sustenance.  You hate your life because everyone around you is successful and leading a full life.  The only time you've ever been full was the one time you got lucky and stumbled upon a crate of rotten eggs which you consumed because you hadn't eaten in nearly a week.  This is you, but it doesn't have to be.

My name is Randy Pollestad and I am here to guide you into a better world.  I have eight masters degrees from various well accredited universities and am a key player in most international stock markets.  I know money.  I also know how to help you make money and make that money fast.  Most people would lead you to believe that with a little hard work and some elbow grease, you can be and do anything you set your mind to.  These people are known collectively in my circles as idiots.  Everyone knows that there is no such thing as elbow grease and if your elbow does emit a grease, that's just disgusting and you need to quarantine yourself from humanity forever.

No, my friends, the real road to riches lies in working off the profits of others and using their success and influence to your advantage.  Armed robbery?  Risky.  Breaking and entering?  Not with today's handgun laws.  The real gem lies in mastering the arts of kidnapping and ransom and utilizing these arts in a way that makes you a profit.  Who the hell wants to slave over a fast food grill all day?  Certainly not I.

Now, don't go running off and start kidnapping the first person that you see.  That is stupid and we don't teach stupidity here.  A lot of amateur wanna-bes think that they know and have seen it all; that Hollywood has taught them everything they need to know in order to make a successful kidnapping.  These people are stupid.  You are not.  I know that because you took the time to purchase this guide and are, hopefully, making an attempt to read it thoroughly and not grinding it up and using it as garnish for your ice cream.

There can be a fair amount of prep work involved prior to the actual act of kidnapping, though this will certainly vary from person to person based on who you know.  You must first choose your target.  This initial step is key to making sure the whole thing goes smoothly and puts you on the fast track to riches.  You must first make sure that this person is rich or, in the least, richer than you.  Kidnapping someone who is broke is stupid.  Secondly, you must choose someone who is not replaceable or won't be easily missed.  For example, when kidnapping children, you should always choose the youngest and never go with the oldest.  If at all possible, you should always avoid kidnapping teenagers.  It's a proven fact that parents are out of touch with 97.4% of all teenagers and thus feel like they have already lost them.

"Honey, John has been kidnapped!"

"A shame, but he has been beyond our reach for years."

"Sad, but true."

Another important factor in selecting your source of income is that you will want to be sure to kidnap someone that people like, someone who is personable.  It would do you no good to kidnap a loser since it poses a problem of contacting someone who will actually pay the ransom.  Additionally, should the target be personable, it makes the hostage portion of the kidnapping much more tolerable and perhaps even mentally stimulating as they try to break you down with prisoner small talk.  The last point to make has already been mentioned but it bears repeating because without it, you are lost.  Always do your homework and make sure that there is someone with a considerable revenue stream that is available to pay the ransom.  Do background and financial checks on proposed payees.  There is nothing worse than kidnapping a "new money" victim and having all the family money tied up in junk bonds and tupperware parties.  Tupperware parties are stupid.

The actual act of kidnapping is a difficult one to approach given the multitude of possibilities available.  Depending on your region and target, kidnapping could be extremely easy or terribly difficult.  We can provide some base hints for accomplishing what you need to do but a lot of this is just going to have to be left up to your best judgement.  If possible, choose someplace crowded and noisy.  The more people, the fewer who will notice.  Don't be conspicuous.  Don't drive a creepy broken down van that screams child molester because people will notice.  Find a way to subdue your target to avoid potential screaming.  Our personal favorite around here is a quick club to the back of the skull and using the old "my buddy had a little too much to drink" excuse as you drag them away.  This is particularly effective in Las Vegas.

Once you've accomplished your deed, hopefully you have a nice safe place to hide out in with ample grazing room for your new hostage.  We don't recommend kidnapping special needs or overweight people as they tend to be too demanding.  Handicappers are ok because the wheelchairs make them easy to move around.  Some perpetrators prefer being mean to the hostage and doing vicious things while in captivity.  We don't condone this.  It never hurts to be nice and you can always hope for a case of Stockholm Syndrome in rare cases.  Who knows, you may find a partner for life!  You should be using this time to gain background information on your hostage and making a plan for the ransom call.  If you know the person well, you can probably do this in advance making any type of interrogation unnecessary.

So, you have a hostage, a safe house, and a desire for some serious cash.  What's next?  The ransom call, of course!  Calling from random payphones that are not strategically located right next to your house is a good idea.  You will want your safe house to stay as safe as possible.  Calling from most convenience stores and/or additional places with video cameras is stupid.  Anything to disguise your voice is also a good idea.  We recommend helium or novacain.  Lastly, be firm and persistent when you make your call.  Chances are you will eventually have to speak to a hostage negotiator or a kidnapping specialist and these people know their stuff.  It helps to have what you want to say already written down and rehearse your lines before each call.  No one likes a blubbering idiot.

Hopefully by now you've made a few calls, agreed on a nice hefty ransom sum, and are prepping for the drop to be made.  This step is key in a number of ways: one, it's where you get to finally collect on your hard work and two, it's where you are most vulnerable.  This is where 77.9% of all kidnapping attempts fail and that's a stat I just made up.  There are a number of ways to elude detection, some of which include wide open spaces and some other wide open spaces.  Cops hide pretty good so you'll want to make sure the drop is made in something we call a "wide open space" so you'll know if the payee didn't come alone.  Another varient on this "wide open space" is something that those of us in the trade call "the desert."  Learn to use these terms.

A lot of this is going to have to be left to your best judgement because of the varying situations that could arise, but we've provided two possible drop scenarios which you may be able to use to build ideas of your own.  The easiest (and expensive) way to secure funding is to simply rent a helicopter pilot to fly in and pick up the payee.  You will not be on the helicopter of course, because that would be stupid.  Once the helicopter is airborn, any ground units lose the ability to track you and the only other option is a second helicopter.  Having shaken most of the police force, have your pilot travel to a pre-determined spot while the payee simply drops the bag over the side, hopefully with you standing on the ground watching it fall.  The helicopters fly off and you make off with the loot.  Or you can simply hire a homeless person to impersonate you and make the drop for you.

Since you've made it this far, hopefully you now have some idea of how a successful kidnapping should go.  There are a number of variations and situations that can arise and there is no possible way that this guide could cover them all.  However, using the steps outlined in this guide, you should be able to build on what we have presented and be able to work through just about any scenario that arises.  You'll be on the autobahn to riches and fortune in no time. But Randy, you say, once I am rich and famous, how do I stop other aspiring kidnappers from using these same tactics on me?  The answer really is quite simple: no one ever kidnaps ugly people.  If you're ugly, you have nothing to worry about.  If you're not ugly, use some of your newfound cash to make yourself so.  Ugliness: it's your only hope.