I'm not sure whether it's the sight, sound, or smell, but there is something inexplicable about the way that technology has a stanglehold over our society, drawing us ever closer like grandma's warm bosom during a Thanksgiving hug. This stranglehold is like a vicious vulcan pinch performed by a karate master upon the metaphorically collective neck of our being. I'm not quite sure what that last sentence meant; I simply copied it verbatim from some cheesy sci-fi magazine featuring a scantily-clad woman and some fool in a one-piece jumpsuit battling an army of octopus people on the cover. Clearly outnumbered and nothing but a futuristic laser death gun thing to save them, they are likely to meet their imminent destruction at the tentacles of a distant alien race. Or will they? Hell if I know; they want me to buy another five issues before I find out what happened. I might be stupid but I am no sucker. No siree.
The ironic thing concerning the cartel-like power that technology hoards over us is that we are forced to use it every single day and yet only a chosen few truly understand how it works. We generally call these chosen few people "nerds" or "geeks" and spend every single opportunity that we can finding new ways to torture and mock them because it helps us feel better about our own inadequacies. It's the same reason why we beat our children or smoke opiates in the park with homeless people. Well, maybe that last part is just me. Ok, so I got a little off-track there. The point that I was trying to make was that the majority of our current population fails to grasp or understand technology, despite being chained to it like Leia was to Jabba in that movie with the Skywalker guy, and that is just inexcusable.
If we are ever going to take our lives back from the machines that control them, we have to fight back; we have to understand what makes them tick and learn to harness their power for our own selfish desires. To make a long introduction short, we here at the PNC Campus feel that as geniuses in all things, we have a duty -- nay, a responsibility -- to help out our fellow citizens in need. We've been doing a lot of milling around lately, perfecting our origami skills and trying to brainstorm ways that we can step in and help. Unfortunately, aside from kidnapping everyone on the planet and forcing them into eternal servitude, we were unable to come up with anything really useful. Since thinking isn't really our collective strongsuit, we decided to do what we do second best, namely drink and drop LSD until the walls melted. As we were all coming down a few days later, we decided that we couldn't stand around and just do nothing. That wouldn't be fair to everyone who made us who we are today. So we sat down and did nothing because no one made us who we are -- we were simply created great. Shortly after that, some hippie came up and asked for a quarter so we beat him senseless with his own shoes and cut his hair.
Still, whether it was our bloodstained clothing or the fact that Jimmy glued the cut hippie hair to his bald head, the senseless and beaten man really got us thinking again. Sure, we as a group may not be able to physically reach out and help everyone, largely because we don't care, but we could do something that would empower you to help yourselves; to embody you with the knowledge that you can stand up and fight against your technology overlords, to help you understand what you were up against. God help us; we decided to write a brief guide to help you understand how you can help yourself to understand technology. Or something along those lines. Welcome, ladies and gentleman. Read on and save yourself.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Grabbing Technology By The Nuts (And Bolts)
It's present day and there you are, still hand-tilling your farm fields, storing money under the mattress, and using a horse to get to and from town. Basically, you're Amish. And then it hits you, a wave of recognition, like you just realized that you pissed all over yourself while sleeping. A tsunami of technology washes over you, bathing you in all it's high-tech glory and you don't understand a damn lick of it. You're behind the power curve and that skinny, pale kid from high school that used to talk to his transistors is the CEO of his own company. It's not that technology failed to adapt to you, it's that you failed to adapt to technology. Technology never set out to not like you. Still, not many have the natural skillset to befriend technology; you have to understand where it came from in order to be able to understand where it is going.
Technology was first encountered on planet Earth by a German farmer named Heinz Katchup in 1956 while he was tending to his banana crops. By his account, a giant fireball shot out of the sky and landed with a ferocious thud on top of his wife who was tending to a sick donkey at the time. The egg-shaped capsule, once opened, contained a man-size machine and instructions on how to activate and operate the "Johnny-Five" model of robot. Despite being a bumpkin, the farmer was easily able to power on the robot, upon which it spent the next fifteen minutes doing donuts in the dirt yelling "J-5 is alive!" Unable to quiet the raving robot, the farmer proceeded to try and shoot it but only served to enrage J-5 further. The farmer was summarily mauled to death by J-5's go-go-gadget knife-like claws. Eventually captured by the U.N., J-5, upon duplication, became a huge hit with the Italian mafia because of his ability to crunch both numbers and people in seconds. Shortly thereafter, technology was everywhere. People had flying cars, flying microwaves, flying houses, and even flying pigs. We now use technology everyday, whether we're flying to or from work or using our ray guns to fight futuristic gang battles on distant planets. Still, just as it enables, it also cripples.
On the surface, technology might seem fairly intimidating and I can see you telling yourself that you'll never be able to grasp it all. Don't fret; this is a PNC guide -- it's made for stupid people like you to understand! To start, we'll begin with something simple, something you're probably already familiar with. One of the first key steps in looking like you know what technology is all about is the ability to use acronyms. Technology is all about acronyms and everyone involved in technology throws acronyms about like they were swear words at a bar. PC, ATM, DSL, TCP, OSI, OSS, AOL, STD, ATL, NYC, MOONMAN. Ok, we just made that last one up but we wanted to keep you on your toes. The thing to remember about acronyms (and thus securing your first steps in the world of technology) is that there are so many, no one person knows them all. If you start feeling yourself getting overwhelmed, simply make up a new one and blurt it out to the first person you meet. Sure, they might look at you like you're crazy, but you can sleep well that night knowing that they know that you know.
Acronyms, unfortunately, are just the tip of the technology iceberg and while speaking the lingo is important, it's wont help you solve any practical issues with using and overcoming technology. Technology implementations are everywhere and you no doubt use them on a daily basis. They bring us convenience and make more mundane tasks easier to do. ATM machines are great -- unless you're poor -- as they provide us easy access to cash on nearly every street corner and marketplace. Computers have also invaded our lives, enriching our entertainment and helping us to further our educations. There have been some rare incidents where computers have attacked people, killing them with ejected cd-rom discs or choking them with power cables, but it's pretty much common knowledge that those people deserved it. Unless you have some kind of perverse aversion to hot food, microwaves are also pretty neat but they shouldn't be used as devices with which to cook friends and family. People don't take too kindly to being baked in a microwave.
Computers are complex, an intricate design of cables and crap that no one really understands. A large part of this guide will be devoted to helping explain what makes up a computer and how they really work, given that they are so prevalent in society today. At it's core, the computer consists of a central processing chip, often called the dorito or frito depending on what model you have. This chip is not edible and you shouldn't lick it while the power is on; stick to batteries and frogs. This non-edible chip is kind of like the brain of the computer, allowing it to be real finicky and make conscious descisions like whether it likes you today or not. If your computer chip woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, it's advisable that you do not attempt to force it's cooperation in helping you. It'd just as soon hit you and watch you suffer. Seated next to the frito chip are generally rows of computer memory called RAM. The memory and computer chip work in conjunction, sort of like a Laurel and Hardy comedy duo. Sometimes they get into fights and the synergy between them is lost. Your computer will likely stop working at this point and take a vacation in Tahiti. Again, it is is best if you don't try to follow or interrupt as the consequences could be dire for you or a weaker sibling. Computers like the taste of flesh.
The core components aside, there are a wide number of additional parts and components which you can purchase to compliment your dynamic duo. Some of these are friendly and non-lethal, such as the sound card and zip drive, but they must be purchased in conjunction. You see, the sound card is a real chatterbox and loves nothing more than to have long, in-depth conversations about why we exist and how Adam West made the best Batman. The zip drive on the other hand is the yang to sound's yin. It keeps him quiet for the most part, making both tolerable and exciting on a lonely Friday night. Other components, while crucial, have worse dispositions and you're better off just leaving them alone. The network card, for example, used to roam the wild plains of Siberia, living a care-free nomadic lifestyle before it was domesticated by Dell and included in every PC. The network card never forgets and to this day carries a bitter chip on it's shoulder. Should you move too close to the network card, it will spit raw data all over your face and clothes, similar to that dinosaur that killed the fat guy in Jurassic Park. Trust me on this one, raw data stains and you'll never be able to get it out through conventional laundry means. Lastly, there is the video card. This is kind of like the beefy, older jock brother that some of us had growing up, except the video card never comes into your room late at night smelling like alcohol and demanding sex. Video cards just aren't like that. They are more like that peaceful, quiet guy who had a crush on you but never said anything and wound up regretting it for the rest of his life. I can't blame him; you're pretty cute.
Now that we have tackled the main components of a computer, we can get down and dirty and actually start using it. There are two main uses for a computer these days: playing video games and using the internet. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows about video games so I will refrain from covering them in detail here. If you don't know what a video game is or have never seen one, please throw yourself in front of traffic. Now, the internet. Ah, lovely, sweet internet. Home of she-male pictures, wacko anime, and a large number of 13 year-old students at AOL University. It's cyberspace, the futuristic outpost for hackers and pirates who are out to steal every ounce of your identity and infringe on your copyrights. It also brought us email, which is good, I guess, if you have friends. I don't, so all I get are spam messages, but they do keep me occupied. Aside from the online threats, you really have to be careful in your own home when connected to the internet. You see, the magical internet cable which makes everything possible (often called a "network cable" or a "dog and pony show") is very similar to an oil pipeline. Data is constantly flowing through it and that can easily be a recipie for disaster. You will want to take care of your cable, petting it at least once a day and leaving bits of canned cat food for it to eat. By following these easy steps, you'll avoid kinks in your cable, which can rapidly slow down the speed of your internet pipeline. In some rare cases, these unmanaged kinks have resulted in cracks in the pipeline and data will spill all over the carpet. Having duct tape or a breath mint handy will aid in quickly cleaning up any spilled data before it has time to set. If you call the Rug Doctor, he can assist you in putting your lost data back into the cable, ensuring that you don't miss any email or world events. Lastly, you never ever want to disconnect your cable from the back of the PC. One reason is of the aforementioned threat of the network card spitting on you. Remember, it doesn't like you. The second and more important reason is that you need to remain connected at all times or pirates can break into your computer and use it as a public restroom, all the while cussing you out and giving you scurvy.
As you can see, technology is a huge subject and can in no way be covered in an all-in-one guide like this one. Still, using what we've outlined so far in this guide, you should be well on your way down the information speedway, crusing the internet and keeping your computer tame. Technology is one of those things that is always developing, so be sure to keep an eye out for a second volume of this guide, bringing you up to speed on all the latest and greatest technology innovations and behavioral science behind keeping them in line.
Technology: know it, understand it, conquer it. PNC makes that possible.
The ironic thing concerning the cartel-like power that technology hoards over us is that we are forced to use it every single day and yet only a chosen few truly understand how it works. We generally call these chosen few people "nerds" or "geeks" and spend every single opportunity that we can finding new ways to torture and mock them because it helps us feel better about our own inadequacies. It's the same reason why we beat our children or smoke opiates in the park with homeless people. Well, maybe that last part is just me. Ok, so I got a little off-track there. The point that I was trying to make was that the majority of our current population fails to grasp or understand technology, despite being chained to it like Leia was to Jabba in that movie with the Skywalker guy, and that is just inexcusable.
If we are ever going to take our lives back from the machines that control them, we have to fight back; we have to understand what makes them tick and learn to harness their power for our own selfish desires. To make a long introduction short, we here at the PNC Campus feel that as geniuses in all things, we have a duty -- nay, a responsibility -- to help out our fellow citizens in need. We've been doing a lot of milling around lately, perfecting our origami skills and trying to brainstorm ways that we can step in and help. Unfortunately, aside from kidnapping everyone on the planet and forcing them into eternal servitude, we were unable to come up with anything really useful. Since thinking isn't really our collective strongsuit, we decided to do what we do second best, namely drink and drop LSD until the walls melted. As we were all coming down a few days later, we decided that we couldn't stand around and just do nothing. That wouldn't be fair to everyone who made us who we are today. So we sat down and did nothing because no one made us who we are -- we were simply created great. Shortly after that, some hippie came up and asked for a quarter so we beat him senseless with his own shoes and cut his hair.
Still, whether it was our bloodstained clothing or the fact that Jimmy glued the cut hippie hair to his bald head, the senseless and beaten man really got us thinking again. Sure, we as a group may not be able to physically reach out and help everyone, largely because we don't care, but we could do something that would empower you to help yourselves; to embody you with the knowledge that you can stand up and fight against your technology overlords, to help you understand what you were up against. God help us; we decided to write a brief guide to help you understand how you can help yourself to understand technology. Or something along those lines. Welcome, ladies and gentleman. Read on and save yourself.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Grabbing Technology By The Nuts (And Bolts)
It's present day and there you are, still hand-tilling your farm fields, storing money under the mattress, and using a horse to get to and from town. Basically, you're Amish. And then it hits you, a wave of recognition, like you just realized that you pissed all over yourself while sleeping. A tsunami of technology washes over you, bathing you in all it's high-tech glory and you don't understand a damn lick of it. You're behind the power curve and that skinny, pale kid from high school that used to talk to his transistors is the CEO of his own company. It's not that technology failed to adapt to you, it's that you failed to adapt to technology. Technology never set out to not like you. Still, not many have the natural skillset to befriend technology; you have to understand where it came from in order to be able to understand where it is going.
Technology was first encountered on planet Earth by a German farmer named Heinz Katchup in 1956 while he was tending to his banana crops. By his account, a giant fireball shot out of the sky and landed with a ferocious thud on top of his wife who was tending to a sick donkey at the time. The egg-shaped capsule, once opened, contained a man-size machine and instructions on how to activate and operate the "Johnny-Five" model of robot. Despite being a bumpkin, the farmer was easily able to power on the robot, upon which it spent the next fifteen minutes doing donuts in the dirt yelling "J-5 is alive!" Unable to quiet the raving robot, the farmer proceeded to try and shoot it but only served to enrage J-5 further. The farmer was summarily mauled to death by J-5's go-go-gadget knife-like claws. Eventually captured by the U.N., J-5, upon duplication, became a huge hit with the Italian mafia because of his ability to crunch both numbers and people in seconds. Shortly thereafter, technology was everywhere. People had flying cars, flying microwaves, flying houses, and even flying pigs. We now use technology everyday, whether we're flying to or from work or using our ray guns to fight futuristic gang battles on distant planets. Still, just as it enables, it also cripples.
On the surface, technology might seem fairly intimidating and I can see you telling yourself that you'll never be able to grasp it all. Don't fret; this is a PNC guide -- it's made for stupid people like you to understand! To start, we'll begin with something simple, something you're probably already familiar with. One of the first key steps in looking like you know what technology is all about is the ability to use acronyms. Technology is all about acronyms and everyone involved in technology throws acronyms about like they were swear words at a bar. PC, ATM, DSL, TCP, OSI, OSS, AOL, STD, ATL, NYC, MOONMAN. Ok, we just made that last one up but we wanted to keep you on your toes. The thing to remember about acronyms (and thus securing your first steps in the world of technology) is that there are so many, no one person knows them all. If you start feeling yourself getting overwhelmed, simply make up a new one and blurt it out to the first person you meet. Sure, they might look at you like you're crazy, but you can sleep well that night knowing that they know that you know.
Acronyms, unfortunately, are just the tip of the technology iceberg and while speaking the lingo is important, it's wont help you solve any practical issues with using and overcoming technology. Technology implementations are everywhere and you no doubt use them on a daily basis. They bring us convenience and make more mundane tasks easier to do. ATM machines are great -- unless you're poor -- as they provide us easy access to cash on nearly every street corner and marketplace. Computers have also invaded our lives, enriching our entertainment and helping us to further our educations. There have been some rare incidents where computers have attacked people, killing them with ejected cd-rom discs or choking them with power cables, but it's pretty much common knowledge that those people deserved it. Unless you have some kind of perverse aversion to hot food, microwaves are also pretty neat but they shouldn't be used as devices with which to cook friends and family. People don't take too kindly to being baked in a microwave.
Computers are complex, an intricate design of cables and crap that no one really understands. A large part of this guide will be devoted to helping explain what makes up a computer and how they really work, given that they are so prevalent in society today. At it's core, the computer consists of a central processing chip, often called the dorito or frito depending on what model you have. This chip is not edible and you shouldn't lick it while the power is on; stick to batteries and frogs. This non-edible chip is kind of like the brain of the computer, allowing it to be real finicky and make conscious descisions like whether it likes you today or not. If your computer chip woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, it's advisable that you do not attempt to force it's cooperation in helping you. It'd just as soon hit you and watch you suffer. Seated next to the frito chip are generally rows of computer memory called RAM. The memory and computer chip work in conjunction, sort of like a Laurel and Hardy comedy duo. Sometimes they get into fights and the synergy between them is lost. Your computer will likely stop working at this point and take a vacation in Tahiti. Again, it is is best if you don't try to follow or interrupt as the consequences could be dire for you or a weaker sibling. Computers like the taste of flesh.
The core components aside, there are a wide number of additional parts and components which you can purchase to compliment your dynamic duo. Some of these are friendly and non-lethal, such as the sound card and zip drive, but they must be purchased in conjunction. You see, the sound card is a real chatterbox and loves nothing more than to have long, in-depth conversations about why we exist and how Adam West made the best Batman. The zip drive on the other hand is the yang to sound's yin. It keeps him quiet for the most part, making both tolerable and exciting on a lonely Friday night. Other components, while crucial, have worse dispositions and you're better off just leaving them alone. The network card, for example, used to roam the wild plains of Siberia, living a care-free nomadic lifestyle before it was domesticated by Dell and included in every PC. The network card never forgets and to this day carries a bitter chip on it's shoulder. Should you move too close to the network card, it will spit raw data all over your face and clothes, similar to that dinosaur that killed the fat guy in Jurassic Park. Trust me on this one, raw data stains and you'll never be able to get it out through conventional laundry means. Lastly, there is the video card. This is kind of like the beefy, older jock brother that some of us had growing up, except the video card never comes into your room late at night smelling like alcohol and demanding sex. Video cards just aren't like that. They are more like that peaceful, quiet guy who had a crush on you but never said anything and wound up regretting it for the rest of his life. I can't blame him; you're pretty cute.
Now that we have tackled the main components of a computer, we can get down and dirty and actually start using it. There are two main uses for a computer these days: playing video games and using the internet. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows about video games so I will refrain from covering them in detail here. If you don't know what a video game is or have never seen one, please throw yourself in front of traffic. Now, the internet. Ah, lovely, sweet internet. Home of she-male pictures, wacko anime, and a large number of 13 year-old students at AOL University. It's cyberspace, the futuristic outpost for hackers and pirates who are out to steal every ounce of your identity and infringe on your copyrights. It also brought us email, which is good, I guess, if you have friends. I don't, so all I get are spam messages, but they do keep me occupied. Aside from the online threats, you really have to be careful in your own home when connected to the internet. You see, the magical internet cable which makes everything possible (often called a "network cable" or a "dog and pony show") is very similar to an oil pipeline. Data is constantly flowing through it and that can easily be a recipie for disaster. You will want to take care of your cable, petting it at least once a day and leaving bits of canned cat food for it to eat. By following these easy steps, you'll avoid kinks in your cable, which can rapidly slow down the speed of your internet pipeline. In some rare cases, these unmanaged kinks have resulted in cracks in the pipeline and data will spill all over the carpet. Having duct tape or a breath mint handy will aid in quickly cleaning up any spilled data before it has time to set. If you call the Rug Doctor, he can assist you in putting your lost data back into the cable, ensuring that you don't miss any email or world events. Lastly, you never ever want to disconnect your cable from the back of the PC. One reason is of the aforementioned threat of the network card spitting on you. Remember, it doesn't like you. The second and more important reason is that you need to remain connected at all times or pirates can break into your computer and use it as a public restroom, all the while cussing you out and giving you scurvy.
As you can see, technology is a huge subject and can in no way be covered in an all-in-one guide like this one. Still, using what we've outlined so far in this guide, you should be well on your way down the information speedway, crusing the internet and keeping your computer tame. Technology is one of those things that is always developing, so be sure to keep an eye out for a second volume of this guide, bringing you up to speed on all the latest and greatest technology innovations and behavioral science behind keeping them in line.
Technology: know it, understand it, conquer it. PNC makes that possible.
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