Your radio dial is now tuned into another P.Net Guidebook, assuming that "radio dial" is some kind of mild euphemism for "your eyes." We first brought you the end-all be-all guide to throwing a successful summer barbecue and we're back once again to explore the far reaches of space and give you a rundown of all the planets in our solar system. After successfully reading this comprehensive guide, be prepared. You'll be so qualified that you'll be fending off job offers left and right from every known planetarium in the city. Trust us, word travels fast and honestly, they aren't picky. We're more than just a successful website; we look out for you, the reader, and enable you a better life through made-up facts and juvenile humor. But look at me prattling on. You came here for the guide.
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Our Planetary Systems
With the successful launch and return of the space shuttle Discovery, America once again finds itself fascinated with space travel and exploration. Space fever is spreading faster than an STD at an orgy and you'd be hard pressed to find an adult today that isn't reliving his boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut and launching into space. Except that'll never happen because you're overweight and you eat small children. So, what's left for the armchair astronaut who has a zero chance of ever seeing actual space? Why, this guidebook of course.
While no members of our staff have ever actually traveled in space, we've read a lot of science fiction novels and once watched Star Trek II. This, in our minds, makes us experts on all things space and we're willing to break you off some of our highly coveted knowledge because we care. Well, actually, we don't really care in so much as our parole officer says that we're supposed to be giving back to the community. Originally, we were supposed to be the events coordinator for a local community center but "naked twister" and "pot storytelling time" wasn't exactly what they had in mind. A shame, really, because kids could really benefit from that stuff. Anyhoo, the planets. Got to start writing about the planets.
Planets were once believed to be marbles of the gods, put in place after some mythical inter-solar system game went awry. A few still cling to this belief but everyone considers Wiccas and Ewoks to be crazy anyway. The truth is that the planets were formed over millions of years through a system of neglect and photosynthesis. Given enough time (read: eons), rock and dust, when mixed with whatever gas Jupiter and Saturn are made out of, form together to make many happy spheres, some of which include rings and additional moons. These are kind of like bonus features on a planetary DVD because not every planet gets them. There is all kinds of other stuff involved too like gravity and floating around the sun but that is better left for another guidebook. We're topical here and we're only dealing with planets.
The Sun: The sun isn't really a planet per se but it's included in all the diagrams and planetary charts so a lot of people think it ought to be. I personally think those people should go live on the sun if they think it's so great. We really only included it here so people wouldn't email us bitching about how we forgot to include "that hot planet" or "that thing that makes me tan." The sun is the central axis of our solar system and every planet revolves around it in orbit. It's hot and that's really it's only claim to fame. The sun has also landed lucrative endorsement deals with both Raisin Bran and sun tan lotion companies making it the envy of the rest of the solar system.
Mercury: Mercury was formed as a planet through a freak accident involving giant space ants and a centipede. History is murky at this point because there was a great fire in 1947 that destroyed a lot of the books where we wrote that kind of stuff down. Mercury is only 35,983,024 miles from the sun which means that it's hot and its year is short. It's also an ideal tourist spot for those seeking cancer and/or a quick death. While Mercury is obviously the closest planet to the sun, Venus is actually hotter and this pisses Mercury off to no end. Mercury was actually named after the Roman god of commerce and travel, likely so named because the planet's quick trip around the sun is lightning fast, just like Mercury used to be in the sack.
Venus: The planet Venus has one claim to fame: this is where women come from. Numerous books have been written on the subject so we won't bother rehashing such information here. Venus was originally colonized by a couple of lesbian turtles and it quickly became the place to go for gambling and entertainment. That title has since been usurped by Earth so Venus just kind of sits there sulking, spitting out female transport shuttles on the daily rate of 3 per hour.
Earth: (Note to reader: you are here.) Unless you're a freak or listen to downtempo music, you're probably reading this from Earth so there isn't a whole lot to say that you don't know. Earth is one of the few planets filled with people and a breathable atmosphere which, apparently, only serves as some kind of vehicle to allow humans to survive. If you look at Earth from space, you'll notice a large number of white swirls surrounding the surface. These are pockets of hate, usually resulting from two factions going to war with one another. Yes, there are a lot of white swirls because there is a lot fighting. Earth is a violent place, like some kind of outpost jail for retarded leaders and vicious killers. If you have a layover on Earth during your space travels, it's advised that you don't de-board unless you really know what you're doing.
Mars: Earth aside, Mars is probably the second most popular planet in the system. Mars is a movie star in it's own right, chalking up some 17 million starring roles in different films. Quite impressive for a barren piece of red rock. Like Venus, Mars is home to humans, but of the male variety, and can be seen from Earth. Given this, it has become a favorite of business leaders and politicians everywhere who use it as some kind of interstellar corporate board room in which they hold meetings and discuss the future of picnic tables. Mars is also red. Really, really red. Like most of the men it produces, it's probably just embarassed about it's smaller than average size.
Jupiter: Jupiter is big. Real big. It's more than twice as massive as all the other planets combined. It's like that schoolyard bully of the solar system who had freak glandular activity and wound up being six feet tall in fourth grade. It's also quite gassy so take that how you will. Not much is really known about Jupiter aside from tidbits concerning it's outer atmosphere. The rest is pure speculation. I could proceed to make a bunch of stuff up here but I won't. I'm tired and I am all out of facts.
Saturn: Nobody really gives Saturn the respect that it deserves. It's the second largest planet and has really cool rings around it. Except that doesn't mean much when Jupiter is bigger than you are and that your rings are no longer unique. Saturn is kind of like the silver medalist at the Olympic games: you forget about it unless you really go looking. Earth actually passes through the rings of Saturn every few years during orbit which I guess means that the two planets are intimate. What the hell would you call that? A once-every-three-year stand? Kinky. Saturn is used mainly as a vehicle producing planet, churning out cheap, crappy cars at an exponential rate. It is believed that Scions are also produced here, probably the result of some kind of hellish explosion or planet core eruption. That's about the only thing that could explain their popularity on Earth. Either that or we get some kind of volume discount.
Uranus: Ok, stop giggling. You know, he's heard all your jokes, all your plays on his name and he ain't too happy about it. He demands respect and the proper pronunciation before he even looks in your direction. Going with the flow of European runway models, Uranus has changed his name and now it may only be pronounced URAN-US. Saying "your anus" or "unine us" won't get you very far. In fact, the next time Uranus swings around this way in orbit, he plans on firing ice-based rocket missles at Earth until all the comedians and juvenilities are finished. You've been warned. And yes, there are faint rings around Uranus. Seriously, stop giggling.
Neptune: Neptune is, unfortunately, pretty unremarkable. It's blue. Great. What else? Well, it's not the last planet nor the largest so it just kind of sits there pissing off Uranus. In fact, Neptune is responsible for altering the orbit of Uranus, like somebody's older jock brother who likes to push around kids because he thinks it's cool. It's understandable then why Neptune has become the planet to be for social space outcasts and goth enthusiasts. If you want to be alone, depressed, and have no one bother you, Neptune is the place for a vacation. You can sit around and pick ice, or make some kind of outer space ice cream cone filled with real chunks of ice. I mean, if that's your thing by all means but I do think it's stupid. Hey, it's your life.
Pluto: Ah, Pluto, the last and smallest of the bunch. Pluto kind of sucks in that it's so far away. We've never actually been to Pluto and what we know is mostly rumor and conjecture put together by three monkeys and a wasp who were overheard talking in a zoo. It rotates in the opposite direction from most of the other planets, typical of the outcast thinking on this side of the universe. Poor little guy; trying so hard to distinguish himself from the other, larger members of the team. It is hypothesized that most of the members of N'Sync originated from Pluto.
And there it is, the nine superstars of the Milky Way galaxy. Space is an ever-changing phenomenon and many scientists believe that a 10th planet does exist. We like to find such people and beat them up, if for no other reason than to say that we did. If you have read every single word of this guide, including this one right here, you should now be well-versed in the ways of all the planets, their sordid history, and their standing and function in space society. Feel free to write up some kind of class certificate in your favorite word processor and print it out. You're now certified! For what, we don't know but it's probably something stupid like gorilla jumping. With that, consider this guide a wrap. See you next time we decide to enlighten you!
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Our Planetary Systems
With the successful launch and return of the space shuttle Discovery, America once again finds itself fascinated with space travel and exploration. Space fever is spreading faster than an STD at an orgy and you'd be hard pressed to find an adult today that isn't reliving his boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut and launching into space. Except that'll never happen because you're overweight and you eat small children. So, what's left for the armchair astronaut who has a zero chance of ever seeing actual space? Why, this guidebook of course.
While no members of our staff have ever actually traveled in space, we've read a lot of science fiction novels and once watched Star Trek II. This, in our minds, makes us experts on all things space and we're willing to break you off some of our highly coveted knowledge because we care. Well, actually, we don't really care in so much as our parole officer says that we're supposed to be giving back to the community. Originally, we were supposed to be the events coordinator for a local community center but "naked twister" and "pot storytelling time" wasn't exactly what they had in mind. A shame, really, because kids could really benefit from that stuff. Anyhoo, the planets. Got to start writing about the planets.
Planets were once believed to be marbles of the gods, put in place after some mythical inter-solar system game went awry. A few still cling to this belief but everyone considers Wiccas and Ewoks to be crazy anyway. The truth is that the planets were formed over millions of years through a system of neglect and photosynthesis. Given enough time (read: eons), rock and dust, when mixed with whatever gas Jupiter and Saturn are made out of, form together to make many happy spheres, some of which include rings and additional moons. These are kind of like bonus features on a planetary DVD because not every planet gets them. There is all kinds of other stuff involved too like gravity and floating around the sun but that is better left for another guidebook. We're topical here and we're only dealing with planets.
The Sun: The sun isn't really a planet per se but it's included in all the diagrams and planetary charts so a lot of people think it ought to be. I personally think those people should go live on the sun if they think it's so great. We really only included it here so people wouldn't email us bitching about how we forgot to include "that hot planet" or "that thing that makes me tan." The sun is the central axis of our solar system and every planet revolves around it in orbit. It's hot and that's really it's only claim to fame. The sun has also landed lucrative endorsement deals with both Raisin Bran and sun tan lotion companies making it the envy of the rest of the solar system.
Mercury: Mercury was formed as a planet through a freak accident involving giant space ants and a centipede. History is murky at this point because there was a great fire in 1947 that destroyed a lot of the books where we wrote that kind of stuff down. Mercury is only 35,983,024 miles from the sun which means that it's hot and its year is short. It's also an ideal tourist spot for those seeking cancer and/or a quick death. While Mercury is obviously the closest planet to the sun, Venus is actually hotter and this pisses Mercury off to no end. Mercury was actually named after the Roman god of commerce and travel, likely so named because the planet's quick trip around the sun is lightning fast, just like Mercury used to be in the sack.
Venus: The planet Venus has one claim to fame: this is where women come from. Numerous books have been written on the subject so we won't bother rehashing such information here. Venus was originally colonized by a couple of lesbian turtles and it quickly became the place to go for gambling and entertainment. That title has since been usurped by Earth so Venus just kind of sits there sulking, spitting out female transport shuttles on the daily rate of 3 per hour.
Earth: (Note to reader: you are here.) Unless you're a freak or listen to downtempo music, you're probably reading this from Earth so there isn't a whole lot to say that you don't know. Earth is one of the few planets filled with people and a breathable atmosphere which, apparently, only serves as some kind of vehicle to allow humans to survive. If you look at Earth from space, you'll notice a large number of white swirls surrounding the surface. These are pockets of hate, usually resulting from two factions going to war with one another. Yes, there are a lot of white swirls because there is a lot fighting. Earth is a violent place, like some kind of outpost jail for retarded leaders and vicious killers. If you have a layover on Earth during your space travels, it's advised that you don't de-board unless you really know what you're doing.
Mars: Earth aside, Mars is probably the second most popular planet in the system. Mars is a movie star in it's own right, chalking up some 17 million starring roles in different films. Quite impressive for a barren piece of red rock. Like Venus, Mars is home to humans, but of the male variety, and can be seen from Earth. Given this, it has become a favorite of business leaders and politicians everywhere who use it as some kind of interstellar corporate board room in which they hold meetings and discuss the future of picnic tables. Mars is also red. Really, really red. Like most of the men it produces, it's probably just embarassed about it's smaller than average size.
Jupiter: Jupiter is big. Real big. It's more than twice as massive as all the other planets combined. It's like that schoolyard bully of the solar system who had freak glandular activity and wound up being six feet tall in fourth grade. It's also quite gassy so take that how you will. Not much is really known about Jupiter aside from tidbits concerning it's outer atmosphere. The rest is pure speculation. I could proceed to make a bunch of stuff up here but I won't. I'm tired and I am all out of facts.
Saturn: Nobody really gives Saturn the respect that it deserves. It's the second largest planet and has really cool rings around it. Except that doesn't mean much when Jupiter is bigger than you are and that your rings are no longer unique. Saturn is kind of like the silver medalist at the Olympic games: you forget about it unless you really go looking. Earth actually passes through the rings of Saturn every few years during orbit which I guess means that the two planets are intimate. What the hell would you call that? A once-every-three-year stand? Kinky. Saturn is used mainly as a vehicle producing planet, churning out cheap, crappy cars at an exponential rate. It is believed that Scions are also produced here, probably the result of some kind of hellish explosion or planet core eruption. That's about the only thing that could explain their popularity on Earth. Either that or we get some kind of volume discount.
Uranus: Ok, stop giggling. You know, he's heard all your jokes, all your plays on his name and he ain't too happy about it. He demands respect and the proper pronunciation before he even looks in your direction. Going with the flow of European runway models, Uranus has changed his name and now it may only be pronounced URAN-US. Saying "your anus" or "unine us" won't get you very far. In fact, the next time Uranus swings around this way in orbit, he plans on firing ice-based rocket missles at Earth until all the comedians and juvenilities are finished. You've been warned. And yes, there are faint rings around Uranus. Seriously, stop giggling.
Neptune: Neptune is, unfortunately, pretty unremarkable. It's blue. Great. What else? Well, it's not the last planet nor the largest so it just kind of sits there pissing off Uranus. In fact, Neptune is responsible for altering the orbit of Uranus, like somebody's older jock brother who likes to push around kids because he thinks it's cool. It's understandable then why Neptune has become the planet to be for social space outcasts and goth enthusiasts. If you want to be alone, depressed, and have no one bother you, Neptune is the place for a vacation. You can sit around and pick ice, or make some kind of outer space ice cream cone filled with real chunks of ice. I mean, if that's your thing by all means but I do think it's stupid. Hey, it's your life.
Pluto: Ah, Pluto, the last and smallest of the bunch. Pluto kind of sucks in that it's so far away. We've never actually been to Pluto and what we know is mostly rumor and conjecture put together by three monkeys and a wasp who were overheard talking in a zoo. It rotates in the opposite direction from most of the other planets, typical of the outcast thinking on this side of the universe. Poor little guy; trying so hard to distinguish himself from the other, larger members of the team. It is hypothesized that most of the members of N'Sync originated from Pluto.
And there it is, the nine superstars of the Milky Way galaxy. Space is an ever-changing phenomenon and many scientists believe that a 10th planet does exist. We like to find such people and beat them up, if for no other reason than to say that we did. If you have read every single word of this guide, including this one right here, you should now be well-versed in the ways of all the planets, their sordid history, and their standing and function in space society. Feel free to write up some kind of class certificate in your favorite word processor and print it out. You're now certified! For what, we don't know but it's probably something stupid like gorilla jumping. With that, consider this guide a wrap. See you next time we decide to enlighten you!
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