Today marked my third and hopefully final trip to the dentist which, if you remember from the "Woah/Woe" series of articles, came about because the left side of my face had swollen to blimp-like proportions and was pretty hard to ignore.  I greased my body up with Crisco oil before showing up because I read on the Internet somewhere that the dentist people really like it when you do that.  Well, they didn't and I had to stand out in the parking lot naked while they hosed me down with industrial strength cold water.  The neighborhood children pointed and laughed, poking me with sharp sticks and tossing apples at my head.  I remained unphased however, since I had an extraction that needed to be done and I wasn't about to let some squad of twerps ruin what I had coming.

The plot thickens somewhat once inside since after a full mouth x-ray, it was determined that my upper wisdoms weren't paying their fair share of mouth rent and needed to be evicted.  Cool I thought, let's just all this over with at once.  I took a nice little nap in the dentist chair and out they came.  I can't seem to find a way to inject humor into this part since I a) wasn't awake and thus didn't know what going on and b) surgery is no laughing matter despite all the laughing gas they gave me.  So I am basically chewing on some gauze at the moment and popping Vicodin on an as-needed basis.  I'm really not in any pain at the moment and I'm not entirely sure I will be later.  Of course, everyone said that I would be a mess after the surgery but I'm up and walking around with no issues.  People are stupid.

I'm not really sure what God was thinking when he took the time to create this whole wisdom teeth thing.  You don't have them when you're younger and 75% of adults need them eventually taken out so they're obviously not a necessity.  Maybe you shouldn't of rested on that seventh day, eh big fella?  You should have spent the time thinking about how stupid it was for you to give us additional teeth that our already overstocked jaws didn't have room for.  If you worked at Safeway and pulled that crap, I'd have you fired, omnipotent being or no.  Well, assuming that I worked at Safeway with you and I was in some kind of more senior position.

I don't even have any cool stories that I somehow imagined while under the anesthesia, which is kind of a letdown.  That's definitely the way to go though.  Sure, it's the most expensive thing they charged me for today ($400!) but not having to sit though some fuckwad playing with his toolset in my mouth made the trip infinitely nicer.  Of course, reading my bill is striking similar to reading the manual to some Tony Hawk video game.  Things like "Complete Bony" and "Partial Bony Impact" sound very similar to some kind of skateboard or BMX trick.  Maybe the dentist was just getting into the spirit because the X Games are on right now.

I'm not really sure what else I can add to this thing.  It's not funny but since my life is on public display these days, it only makes sense that I talk about my teeth being extracted.  I'm not tired, loopy, or in pain at the moment but it does take a certain mindset to sit down and write half the crap I do.  Not everything is comedy gold but I doubt that anyone expects it to be.  The update audience has become so diverse that writing a single update to please everyone is probably close to impossible.  Hey, when I start charging, you can start complaining.  Until next time.