Welcome to yet another official P.Net Guidebook, this one tackling the ever-difficult summer barbecue. We start out with the basics and provide you everything you need to know in order to throw a successful summer shindig. Following this guide will make you popular and the envy of your neighborhood. Unless, of course, you're ugly. And live in a trailer. We can't work miracles here. But enough with the procrastination. Read on!
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Summer Barbecues
Summer is here and with it comes what some internet crazies like to call the "dog days." I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is some kind of opposite of the "cat days" of winter but I'm no weatherman. However, I did sleep with one once. Hey, it was college and I was experimenting.
Anyway, with these supposed dog days of summer comes the inevitable need to have a party. In some of the more elite circles, experts call these parties "barbecues" or simply "BBQ" for short. Not all summer parties can be considered barbecues so don't be fooled. A barbecue party must first utilize one's barbecue, hopefully for the purpose of cooking food. If you are throwing a party and not cooking food, you are not throwing a barbecue but rather some other kind of party not discussed here. You might be throwing an orgy or a rave. If you decide to throw a party utilizing your barbecue but decide not to cook food on it, then you're a fool and no one is likely to show up anyway.
Ok, hopefully you have the essentials down for what makes up a good summer barbecue. Those pieces being summer, a barbecue, and the intention to use it for cooking. With all of that in place, it's time to call, bribe, or kidnap all your friends/homeless vagrants and coerce them to come over to your house or where ever you are housing the aforementioned barbecue. First, let's decide what kind of barbecue you plan on holding.
0-1 people: This is not a barbecue; this is you cooking yourself dinner. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go out, be social, and use either chloroform or roofies to your advantage.
2-4 people: This level of barbecue is acceptable for a few of your guy friends to get together and watch a sporting event. This is not considered a party but rather a "get together" since, obviously, you are getting together with a few friends. Jesus, I shouldn't have to explain everything to you.
5-8 people: Now this is a party. Make sure that you have enough food to feed everyone. Don't be a cheapskate and make people bring their own either. You're the bigshot throwing the party so pony up the cash and get some good food. Also, don't forget a keg or two of beer and some peyote for afterwards.
9-? people: This ain't a party, it's a cookout! This type of event should most likely be held outdoors in a public or rented setting. You are likely not rich enough to afford a house where more than 9 people can party comfortably. You should ponder your social status before attempting a cookout at your residence. It's ok to ask for donations from guests in order to barbecue someplace in public.
Now, with that out of the way, you likely have some idea of what kind of party you wish to throw and who is going to be coming. You should also take into account what kind of people are coming. If you have some vegan friends, they may not appreciate eating meat, so make sure that you have a variety of dishes available. A good party gag: we like to serve the vegans meat anyway as some kind of cruel joke. The look on their faces is priceless. Be sure that you have a camera handy to capture the moment. You should also take into account the drink preferences of your guests. Some prefer wine over beer or soda over alcohol. We suggest just stocking up on Mad Dog 20/20 and some boxed wine. That should suffice.
The menu also plays an extremely vital role in how successful your barbecue is. Remember that one bad barbecue will haunt you for the rest of your life. Remember that time you got passed over for a promotion? That could be related to a bad barbecue. You should select a wide array of dishes which will appeal to all your guests. For example, if you have any friends visiting from India, you may want to provide some kind of elephant dish as we hear they are really into that sort of thing. Asian people hate rice, Mexicans tortillas. Hey, no one said planning a party was easy but this wouldn't be much of a guide unless we gave you some helpful pointers. Here are some of the dishes we like making: steaks wrapped in LSD-soaked bacon, potato salad with a nice novocain dressing, and crystal meth brownies for the kids. Barbecues are really about fun for the whole family.
You should additionally be prepared with some various forms of entertainment since it's likely that you're not witty enough to get by on coversation alone. A good number of people make fatal mistakes in this arena, going with clowns or magicians. This isn't some kind of kid's birthday party. Stop being a wuss. Strippers, hookers, drug dealers, and the occasional gang drive-by really serve to lighten the party mood. There is something about dodging bullets in a crossfire that really brings out the best in people. Music is another vital aspect of the entertainment process. It is a proven fact that everyone likes a little mixture of gangster rap and Yanni. You should be creative and mix these up for optimum effect.
If you have followed all of the suggestions and steps in this guide, you've likely just thrown one of the best barbecues that your neighborhood has ever been to. Hopefully, most if not all of your guests have left by now leaving you with a huge mess to clean up. That's one of the drawbacks of being a party host. Quite likely, however, there is someone going through withdrawl in one of your closets and screaming about how the walls are melting. If so, be sure you enlist him or her in the clean-up process. Also, you should have at least two or three homeless people on hand to provide assistance. Sometimes you really have to crack the whip on these guys as we hear they can be quite lazy. Offer them some of your remaining Mad Dog and wine to get things moving. (Don't worry, you don't actually have to give them any. Aside from short attention spans, you can pretty much kick them around -- and out of the house -- on an as needed basis.) We hope that you enjoyed this guide and that it leads to many fine barbecues in the future.
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Summer Barbecues
Summer is here and with it comes what some internet crazies like to call the "dog days." I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is some kind of opposite of the "cat days" of winter but I'm no weatherman. However, I did sleep with one once. Hey, it was college and I was experimenting.
Anyway, with these supposed dog days of summer comes the inevitable need to have a party. In some of the more elite circles, experts call these parties "barbecues" or simply "BBQ" for short. Not all summer parties can be considered barbecues so don't be fooled. A barbecue party must first utilize one's barbecue, hopefully for the purpose of cooking food. If you are throwing a party and not cooking food, you are not throwing a barbecue but rather some other kind of party not discussed here. You might be throwing an orgy or a rave. If you decide to throw a party utilizing your barbecue but decide not to cook food on it, then you're a fool and no one is likely to show up anyway.
Ok, hopefully you have the essentials down for what makes up a good summer barbecue. Those pieces being summer, a barbecue, and the intention to use it for cooking. With all of that in place, it's time to call, bribe, or kidnap all your friends/homeless vagrants and coerce them to come over to your house or where ever you are housing the aforementioned barbecue. First, let's decide what kind of barbecue you plan on holding.
0-1 people: This is not a barbecue; this is you cooking yourself dinner. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go out, be social, and use either chloroform or roofies to your advantage.
2-4 people: This level of barbecue is acceptable for a few of your guy friends to get together and watch a sporting event. This is not considered a party but rather a "get together" since, obviously, you are getting together with a few friends. Jesus, I shouldn't have to explain everything to you.
5-8 people: Now this is a party. Make sure that you have enough food to feed everyone. Don't be a cheapskate and make people bring their own either. You're the bigshot throwing the party so pony up the cash and get some good food. Also, don't forget a keg or two of beer and some peyote for afterwards.
9-? people: This ain't a party, it's a cookout! This type of event should most likely be held outdoors in a public or rented setting. You are likely not rich enough to afford a house where more than 9 people can party comfortably. You should ponder your social status before attempting a cookout at your residence. It's ok to ask for donations from guests in order to barbecue someplace in public.
Now, with that out of the way, you likely have some idea of what kind of party you wish to throw and who is going to be coming. You should also take into account what kind of people are coming. If you have some vegan friends, they may not appreciate eating meat, so make sure that you have a variety of dishes available. A good party gag: we like to serve the vegans meat anyway as some kind of cruel joke. The look on their faces is priceless. Be sure that you have a camera handy to capture the moment. You should also take into account the drink preferences of your guests. Some prefer wine over beer or soda over alcohol. We suggest just stocking up on Mad Dog 20/20 and some boxed wine. That should suffice.
The menu also plays an extremely vital role in how successful your barbecue is. Remember that one bad barbecue will haunt you for the rest of your life. Remember that time you got passed over for a promotion? That could be related to a bad barbecue. You should select a wide array of dishes which will appeal to all your guests. For example, if you have any friends visiting from India, you may want to provide some kind of elephant dish as we hear they are really into that sort of thing. Asian people hate rice, Mexicans tortillas. Hey, no one said planning a party was easy but this wouldn't be much of a guide unless we gave you some helpful pointers. Here are some of the dishes we like making: steaks wrapped in LSD-soaked bacon, potato salad with a nice novocain dressing, and crystal meth brownies for the kids. Barbecues are really about fun for the whole family.
You should additionally be prepared with some various forms of entertainment since it's likely that you're not witty enough to get by on coversation alone. A good number of people make fatal mistakes in this arena, going with clowns or magicians. This isn't some kind of kid's birthday party. Stop being a wuss. Strippers, hookers, drug dealers, and the occasional gang drive-by really serve to lighten the party mood. There is something about dodging bullets in a crossfire that really brings out the best in people. Music is another vital aspect of the entertainment process. It is a proven fact that everyone likes a little mixture of gangster rap and Yanni. You should be creative and mix these up for optimum effect.
If you have followed all of the suggestions and steps in this guide, you've likely just thrown one of the best barbecues that your neighborhood has ever been to. Hopefully, most if not all of your guests have left by now leaving you with a huge mess to clean up. That's one of the drawbacks of being a party host. Quite likely, however, there is someone going through withdrawl in one of your closets and screaming about how the walls are melting. If so, be sure you enlist him or her in the clean-up process. Also, you should have at least two or three homeless people on hand to provide assistance. Sometimes you really have to crack the whip on these guys as we hear they can be quite lazy. Offer them some of your remaining Mad Dog and wine to get things moving. (Don't worry, you don't actually have to give them any. Aside from short attention spans, you can pretty much kick them around -- and out of the house -- on an as needed basis.) We hope that you enjoyed this guide and that it leads to many fine barbecues in the future.
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