Dear Sir/Madam,
If you're reading this letter, we regret to inform you that you are probably dead. This outcome is likely a result of you dying, though I suppose you could be some kind of freaky, cross-plane ghostly being floating around for all eternity. If you are of the latter variety, our apologies. You are not eligible for the offer contained in the letter. For the truly, newly dead among us, welcome to Zombie Nation! We respect that dying probably wasn't your choice but we're grateful to you for considering an undead career as a zombie. The life of a zombie is a pretty simple affair: we lumber around from place to place, talking to each other in low, guttural moans which make up the most of our communication. We're mostly able to travel freely, with the exception of other planets. We haven't mastered space flight yet. But it's not all fun and games in Zombie Nation. In order to help you make a more informed choice, we've outlined some good and bad points below:
GOOD:
Eternal Life: Hey, who doesn't want to live forever? Well, forever until you die again. While uncommon, it is possible for you to stop being a living, active, undead zombie. We think this is somehow tied in with decapitation. But hey, don't lose your head! Ha, ha. Sorry, zombie humor. Barring the loss of your cranium and some sort of planned attack on you by members of the living, a long and fruitful life should be yours.
No Taxes: There were only two things certain while you were alive: death and taxes. Well, guess what? One cancels out the other! Once you die, no more taxes. Hell, most zombies don't even hold steady jobs. Live the lazy, care-free life you always wanted to live, except, well, now you're not really alive. But don't let minor things bring you down.
Camaraderie: Were you not terribly popular while alive? Being a zombie changes all that! Being a zombie is like being a member of an elite social club -- everyone likes you and wants to be your friend. Who wouldn't like waking up and feeling like a celebrity every morning?
BAD:
Coordination: Should you wish to become a zombie, we hope you didn't previously lead a very physical lifestyle. Despite years of trying, we're not a very coordinated people. Sports are mostly out for us and we move at the speed of Grandma without her walker. You would think time, evolution, and genetics would help us overcome this but, alas, we're still waiting. It might have something to do with being dead.
Blood Lust: Even some long-time zombie old schoolers have a hard time with this one. It's just not something you can get used to right away. Other undead outfits might hide such faults from prospective applicants but not at Zombie Nation. We believe in being upfront all the time. So, yeah, there is a little bit of brain eating. Actually, there's a lot of it. It's kind of your sole food source. There isn't really much that we can do about it. You adapt.
Ill-favored: It's a shame that we can't get along with everyone we meet and that most won't give us the time of day without trying to kill us. Yes, others will try to hunt you down and kill you. Zombies aren't exactly on top of the food chain, though we have some internal policies in motion which may help our cause. No, the truth is, we're ugly. All things living are pretty much scared to death of us (and, if you've seen some of the zombie women walking around today, you'd know why!). We don't really have much place in society so being a "mover and a shaker" is pretty much out, but we can make one hell of a B-grade horror movie. Opportunites do abound in that arena.
Like we said above, we here at Zombie Nation like to be upfront about everything as much as we can be. We figure you ought to know both sides of the story before you sign on for membership. There really isn't any turning back afterwards. We're a simple people, with simple goals. Basically, don't decay on another zombie's carpet and you're good to go. Go ahead, enrich your undead life and apply to Zombie Nation today! Operators are standing by.
If you're reading this letter, we regret to inform you that you are probably dead. This outcome is likely a result of you dying, though I suppose you could be some kind of freaky, cross-plane ghostly being floating around for all eternity. If you are of the latter variety, our apologies. You are not eligible for the offer contained in the letter. For the truly, newly dead among us, welcome to Zombie Nation! We respect that dying probably wasn't your choice but we're grateful to you for considering an undead career as a zombie. The life of a zombie is a pretty simple affair: we lumber around from place to place, talking to each other in low, guttural moans which make up the most of our communication. We're mostly able to travel freely, with the exception of other planets. We haven't mastered space flight yet. But it's not all fun and games in Zombie Nation. In order to help you make a more informed choice, we've outlined some good and bad points below:
GOOD:
Eternal Life: Hey, who doesn't want to live forever? Well, forever until you die again. While uncommon, it is possible for you to stop being a living, active, undead zombie. We think this is somehow tied in with decapitation. But hey, don't lose your head! Ha, ha. Sorry, zombie humor. Barring the loss of your cranium and some sort of planned attack on you by members of the living, a long and fruitful life should be yours.
No Taxes: There were only two things certain while you were alive: death and taxes. Well, guess what? One cancels out the other! Once you die, no more taxes. Hell, most zombies don't even hold steady jobs. Live the lazy, care-free life you always wanted to live, except, well, now you're not really alive. But don't let minor things bring you down.
Camaraderie: Were you not terribly popular while alive? Being a zombie changes all that! Being a zombie is like being a member of an elite social club -- everyone likes you and wants to be your friend. Who wouldn't like waking up and feeling like a celebrity every morning?
BAD:
Coordination: Should you wish to become a zombie, we hope you didn't previously lead a very physical lifestyle. Despite years of trying, we're not a very coordinated people. Sports are mostly out for us and we move at the speed of Grandma without her walker. You would think time, evolution, and genetics would help us overcome this but, alas, we're still waiting. It might have something to do with being dead.
Blood Lust: Even some long-time zombie old schoolers have a hard time with this one. It's just not something you can get used to right away. Other undead outfits might hide such faults from prospective applicants but not at Zombie Nation. We believe in being upfront all the time. So, yeah, there is a little bit of brain eating. Actually, there's a lot of it. It's kind of your sole food source. There isn't really much that we can do about it. You adapt.
Ill-favored: It's a shame that we can't get along with everyone we meet and that most won't give us the time of day without trying to kill us. Yes, others will try to hunt you down and kill you. Zombies aren't exactly on top of the food chain, though we have some internal policies in motion which may help our cause. No, the truth is, we're ugly. All things living are pretty much scared to death of us (and, if you've seen some of the zombie women walking around today, you'd know why!). We don't really have much place in society so being a "mover and a shaker" is pretty much out, but we can make one hell of a B-grade horror movie. Opportunites do abound in that arena.
Like we said above, we here at Zombie Nation like to be upfront about everything as much as we can be. We figure you ought to know both sides of the story before you sign on for membership. There really isn't any turning back afterwards. We're a simple people, with simple goals. Basically, don't decay on another zombie's carpet and you're good to go. Go ahead, enrich your undead life and apply to Zombie Nation today! Operators are standing by.