The idea of immortality, which, for those of you who don't speak French means never having to die, holds a special place in the hearts of most humans. We like the idea of being able to live forever, to never have to say goodbye to relatives and other assorted loved ones. Unfortunately, despite hard scientific study and the advancements that Ford has made on their V6 engine, humans are no closer to living forever now than we were back in the days when some other people who are now dead decided to look into the whole "let's live, not die" thing.
Still, despite such minor setbacks as death and being unable to find ways to not die, we humans are a pretty creative bunch of people. It didn't take long for someone to realize that while we may not be able to actually live forever, through the act of hot carnal bedroom action and procreation, we can pass our legacies on to a new generation of people, similar to how we pass along STDs and the gum disease that causes gingivitis. We call these off-shoots of the family tree "children," which basically translates to "how one night of unprotected sex can last 18 whole years." These "children" have become quite popular in today's society. So much so that entire groups of people called "families" have sprung up to sit around and watch these children grow up until they are old enough to get sucked into a family of their own. After this, the cycle gets rather repetitive.
We here at the P.Net Campus care a great deal about your children. Well, ok, maybe not your child specifically, but we're pretty sure that somewhere there is a large group of children that we really wouldn't mind caring for. In fact, we're pretty fond of those nice kids in the Philippines who keep churning out quality clothes for us to wear at extremely reasonable prices. I mean, we steal the stuff anyway but at least it's the thought that counts. Still, the PNC is all about family. We're so much about family that we have gathered some of the finest medical minds in the business in an effort to provide you with solid information on how to better care for your child. Unfortunately, one of them had a gas problem and we wound up locking them all in the broom closet. Fret not, however, because we went ahead and wrote down a bunch of stuff anyway. Hey, if the President of the United States doesn't have to worry about little things like facts and truthful information, we don't either!
You see, raising a child is not quite the same as other things that you may or may not have raised in the past, such as the roof or taxes. Gas prices have been raised and Nicolas Cage once starred in a movie called "Raising Arizona" but neither of these really has any impact on your kid. I wish you'd stop bringing meaningless crap like that up. Also, try not to get confused with "razing" as this is not something that you should do with a child. Ok, perhaps if your child looks a little like a dilapidated building, then I suppose razing your child would be ok. At least it's probably ok in Florida. I wouldn't know -- they won't let me back in.
Late night television and informercials for Chia pets have led society astray. Painting your child's face with Chia pet seeds will not, in fact, make them grow any faster. We know this because we tried it and watched it not work. We then tracked down the guy who sold them to us and beat him unconscious with a vicious collection of Sharpie pens. The permanent kind. Additionally, watering your child does not assist in their growth. Children are not plants, apparently.
Your child will be pretty useless for the first few years of it's life. Don't expect to come home from the hospital and immediately start assigning chores around the house because they aren't going to get done. Also, children fresh from the womb are not toilet trained, so be prepared to spend a lot of time changing clothes (or scrubbing the carpet if you choose not to clothe your child). Kids have this somewhat rebel attitude that empowers them to just pretty much go where ever they please when they feel like it. It's really kind of gross but Protective Services gets called when you punish them for it apparently. I have written a little letter to God asking him to explain this shortcoming in his product line but he has yet to get back to me.
Children cry a lot. Previous medical documentation on the subject was found to be incorrect when it originally stated that children cry because they need something or are in pain. The truth is that your children cry because that is how they breathe. A crying child is a healthy child and you shouldn't try to help the child or make it feel any better. You're likely to cut off it's oxygen! Also, a common mistake that many new parents make is by going under the assumption that your newborn needs close supervision and a lot of toys to keep it entertained. This couldn't be further from the truth. It's been proven that children often prefer to simply be left alone with little in the way of entertainment or guidance. Leaving them alone in a locked room is the perfect way for a child to grow up. Do you hear the kid crying? A crying child is a happy child!
That's about all the action-packed parental advice that we have for you today. We had a lot more written down but it got lost at the Post Office when we tried to mail it to ourselves in order to insure our proper copyrights were maintained. If we ever get it back, perhaps we can put out volume two. We hope that some of these steps were useful to you, the new parent. If they weren't, well, they were free so you don't really have any right to complain.
Still, despite such minor setbacks as death and being unable to find ways to not die, we humans are a pretty creative bunch of people. It didn't take long for someone to realize that while we may not be able to actually live forever, through the act of hot carnal bedroom action and procreation, we can pass our legacies on to a new generation of people, similar to how we pass along STDs and the gum disease that causes gingivitis. We call these off-shoots of the family tree "children," which basically translates to "how one night of unprotected sex can last 18 whole years." These "children" have become quite popular in today's society. So much so that entire groups of people called "families" have sprung up to sit around and watch these children grow up until they are old enough to get sucked into a family of their own. After this, the cycle gets rather repetitive.
We here at the P.Net Campus care a great deal about your children. Well, ok, maybe not your child specifically, but we're pretty sure that somewhere there is a large group of children that we really wouldn't mind caring for. In fact, we're pretty fond of those nice kids in the Philippines who keep churning out quality clothes for us to wear at extremely reasonable prices. I mean, we steal the stuff anyway but at least it's the thought that counts. Still, the PNC is all about family. We're so much about family that we have gathered some of the finest medical minds in the business in an effort to provide you with solid information on how to better care for your child. Unfortunately, one of them had a gas problem and we wound up locking them all in the broom closet. Fret not, however, because we went ahead and wrote down a bunch of stuff anyway. Hey, if the President of the United States doesn't have to worry about little things like facts and truthful information, we don't either!
You see, raising a child is not quite the same as other things that you may or may not have raised in the past, such as the roof or taxes. Gas prices have been raised and Nicolas Cage once starred in a movie called "Raising Arizona" but neither of these really has any impact on your kid. I wish you'd stop bringing meaningless crap like that up. Also, try not to get confused with "razing" as this is not something that you should do with a child. Ok, perhaps if your child looks a little like a dilapidated building, then I suppose razing your child would be ok. At least it's probably ok in Florida. I wouldn't know -- they won't let me back in.
Late night television and informercials for Chia pets have led society astray. Painting your child's face with Chia pet seeds will not, in fact, make them grow any faster. We know this because we tried it and watched it not work. We then tracked down the guy who sold them to us and beat him unconscious with a vicious collection of Sharpie pens. The permanent kind. Additionally, watering your child does not assist in their growth. Children are not plants, apparently.
Your child will be pretty useless for the first few years of it's life. Don't expect to come home from the hospital and immediately start assigning chores around the house because they aren't going to get done. Also, children fresh from the womb are not toilet trained, so be prepared to spend a lot of time changing clothes (or scrubbing the carpet if you choose not to clothe your child). Kids have this somewhat rebel attitude that empowers them to just pretty much go where ever they please when they feel like it. It's really kind of gross but Protective Services gets called when you punish them for it apparently. I have written a little letter to God asking him to explain this shortcoming in his product line but he has yet to get back to me.
Children cry a lot. Previous medical documentation on the subject was found to be incorrect when it originally stated that children cry because they need something or are in pain. The truth is that your children cry because that is how they breathe. A crying child is a healthy child and you shouldn't try to help the child or make it feel any better. You're likely to cut off it's oxygen! Also, a common mistake that many new parents make is by going under the assumption that your newborn needs close supervision and a lot of toys to keep it entertained. This couldn't be further from the truth. It's been proven that children often prefer to simply be left alone with little in the way of entertainment or guidance. Leaving them alone in a locked room is the perfect way for a child to grow up. Do you hear the kid crying? A crying child is a happy child!
That's about all the action-packed parental advice that we have for you today. We had a lot more written down but it got lost at the Post Office when we tried to mail it to ourselves in order to insure our proper copyrights were maintained. If we ever get it back, perhaps we can put out volume two. We hope that some of these steps were useful to you, the new parent. If they weren't, well, they were free so you don't really have any right to complain.